Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Love Fest - Being Enough

So I have just returned from a love fest next door. The two dogs I am taking care of, in my neighbors absence, decided that tonight they were initiating me into the family and proceeded to lick me simultaneously while I sat in one of the three easy boy chairs in the living room (no couch).

I might have mentioned before one is a German Shepard named Willow that was rescued from and abusive home and is skiddish. That is actually an understatement, while she was drinking water in the kitchen she would come out periodically to check to see if I was still sitting in the chair. She then felt secure enough to drink and repeat the whole process. She has been on many hunger strikes in the absence of her usual pack. The other dog is your average I like anybody dog. I felt very honored to get such affection from a usually distant dog.

The last sentence speaks volumes about who I am at the core. Dogs or humans gaining the trust of those that don't trust easily, makes me feel special. I can admit that only after spending a lifetime choosing this type of relationship. Maybe it is just a mirror of myself the wounded part or maybe it is enough to go where no one has gone before. I have found it is a trap for me and once I am in I can't get out. My issues with loyalty and abandonment would never hurt someone the way I have been hurt.

I never leave even if the red lights are flashing and sirens are going off it isn't enough. I am loyal to the death in my case a spiritual death. When I find myself there I look in the mirror and see a complete stranger. I can remember my first counselor telling me she thought I would have eventually left my husband, she was wrong. I would have remained a zombie waiting for something to change.

Luckily for me those that let you in can shut the door a lot more quickly than it opened and once shut it is over. I have stood there outside that door more times than I want to admit, thinking of ways to get back in. Obessing really, let me get my list out.

I am making light of a life long reoccurring nightmare and I can do that because I finally get it. I like the challenge earning that trust and feeling special being on the inside but in the end everyone has to save themselves. I was never willing to save myself. I thought it was more important to save the other person. Here in lies the problem, who is going to save me?

My sponsor always said my picker was broken and she was right. It all comes down to still looking outside myself for validation and to feel like I was enough. Being enough for myself, I can make better choices in relationships.

Tonight I know I am special because I am loved by the 100 lb German Shepard next door and I am enough.


  1. When I first got to program, I used to have to tell myself repeatedly..."I am enough, just the way I am." So much of your post sounds familiar to me. But the more I work the steps, really work them, the less I have to repeat this to myself. My perspective is changing. It's one of the promises of the program, and it's working, thanks to Alanon. Thanks for your share.

  2. I know that my picker was broken. I am also loyal to a fault and remain in situations far longer than necessary. I am glad to still be married. I stayed and we both are working on recovery. It is a good thing because we do love each other much more now than in the beginning.

  3. What a beautiful post! I can relate to every word... thank you for you sharing.