Feeling Good-Acceptance

You go along in life thinking you will always be who you are and then you wake up one day and your someone else. Seems logical that there will be some changes here and there and you'll grow and mature but the core of you will be the same but this is not true.

When you open yourself to the possibilities and you invite life to be your teacher it can sometimes blindside you and suddenly you are not the person you thought you were. You look in the mirror and recognize the face maybe older but clearly the person you have been looking at all your life. But you have changed your mind or you have changed your spirit and your mind has followed. This can be confusing and unsettling just as confusing as this paragraph. So I will move on to the next.

It is all too much for me to absorb too many things changing in my life at the same time and I need a moment or two to absorb it all, take it all in and accept where I am and who I have become. It is really all good I have grown and wouldn't and couldn't go back.

That being said I have stepped away from this journey towards the new me and I am revisiting the not so familiar old me. The driven efficient take charge me which is good because I am broke and the old me knows how to work. This too is a part of my journey the old me feels comfortable today and I am taking care of life. I am about extremes and I know that but I usually find balance eventually.

I remember at the beginning of this journey, when I thought I knew everything and believed you are just who you are you can't do a thing about it. Interestingly enough I did think you could change other people whether they wanted you to or not. I was wrong and happy to admit that now.

Sometimes just for a moment I want I want to be one of the many people walking around unconscious and not take responsibility for my life. I am sure that is what Adam and Eve thought right after that first bite and realized they were naked.

What would Mom do with me now

I am trying something different in hopes that I will reach a turning point of some kind that will bring my drowning spirit to the surface. I am checking out of my personal commitments to see if I can shake off the last of what really is causing me pain. I think if I sit with myself long enough something will happen.

So I spent the day with my miserable self and I made it through. I watched an episode of Oprah about overeating and the question brought up was "what is really the problem?" It isn't about the food or whatever. The real problem is never that obvious. It is never what you think it is so I am looking for the real problem.

They went on to talk about having compassion for yourself when you are emotionally raw and treat yourself kindly. If you thought of yourself as your own child in pain what would you do to help.

So I am trying to think if my mom was here now what would say to me or do for me to ease my pain. Truthfully she would probably try to solve my problem. We do that in our family we think any problem can be solved. I would want her to make me my favorite food. She would eventually get to the scriptures and read a favorite passage about faith and troubled times.

I don't know for sure what she would do all I know is that I will get through this and be better off somewhere down the road. Finding a way to be my own mom and to have compassion and patience with myself is really the answer I am looking for.

Eating Cookie Dough-Progress Not Perfection

A few weeks ago I reached a new low when scouring for relief from hunger and my current bout with depression I went into the freezer and found some chocolate chip cookie dough and ate it for dinner. I can laugh about it now but looking back it is pretty pathetic. That being said last night I actually made a fresh batch of cookie dough and had that for dessert and maybe a little for breakfast this morning followed by some more healthy choices.

So I feel this is progress in a way I thought I was worth the time and effort to make some from scratch dough. I did think about cooking it but it seemed like it could ruin perfectly good dough. As you can imagine I feel a little squeeze at this point but worth it for sure.

I am isolating today and have done a few chores. I don't really want to use my voice today talk through where I am or think about the past or the future. It is strange the need to let sleeping dogs lie. This too shall pass isn't that what they say in all the programs. It is hard when you feel like your life has been put in a state of suspension. Nobody can really help you, you just got to wait it out and one day you will wake up and feel differently.

I am better and it is just one day and I can live with that, just 24 hours.

Courage to Change-Step Six

I picked up my Courage to Change book this morning on my way out the door. The book is tattered and pages are falling out and it has an old cloth book cover from one of my first conventions. I still like to use it even though I bought a new one. I guess it represents the wear and tear of my journey over the years and it is good to remember where I came from. I read actually tomorrows reading about Step Six and it as always seems appropriate for where I am at this moment in my life.

It talks about letting go of who we are and the fear that there will be nothing left once we do that. "The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been".

Step Six- We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. So the only action is being ready and I am ready. I am an action person and I have tried everything not to be exactly where I am. So for me this is about retreat and surrender to stop doing anything.

I had dinner with a friend last night that pointed out that I have been stuck for a long time and since I don't see medication as an option then I am where I am. That is true on both accounts but I know that I am better and I have grown through the pain. It did make me see more clearly the burden I have been on those closest to me.

I am exhausted spiritually with the quest for the answers and so I am doing nothing and that feels really good. Just standing still and being entirely ready. "I need only trust, when the time comes to move forward, I will know it".

I am on the other side of the pain for the moment and I feel at peace with where I am for the first time in a long time. Every moment of pain has led me to an awakening and is a part of my journey.

Fire on the horizon

I took this picture in the car on my way home yesterday it really doesn't do the beauty of the sunset justice but I like the way it looks. It is distorted but beautiful.

I have been working and trying to focus on getting my finances in order. I am withdrawing from my usual schedule to try to make sense of my life and whether I need to try to find a regular paying job. I worked for many years in corporate america and the thought of going back isn't exactly a dream come true.

A new customer came in today and I did close a deal yesterday so all hope is not lost. Being on commission makes you spend time your not getting paid for to help people save money so you get paid less. This seem counter intuitive to me but this is what I do every day. It is a dilemia for me sometimes. Other times people come in they like me and I give them a fair price for the service I provide and all is well.

So what is the fire on the horizon? I hope it is something magnificent.

Getting to the other side

I took this picture my road trip the other day the view was similar to a picture a friend sent to me not too long ago. I like bridges because they were built by people wanting to make it easier to get across an obstacle and everyone benefits from their hard work.

This blog has been a bridge for me connecting the person I was to the person a am today. It has given me the opportunity to share my personal pain and success while reinventing myself at the same time.

Tonight I watched Madmen and the main character made me realize that I have crossed another bridge. His wife has left him and at the same time he has started a new company. Every one needs him to be the natural leader he has always been and he isn't up to the task. He isn't himself and things are sliding down hill quickly. By the end of the program they are sucking up to customers they don't even want. He makes a great pitch and the clients say they think it is to risky. He stops for a moment and then throws them out of his office and you can see a shift has occurred.

This is where I am today. Something happen to me this weekend that has made me feel enough is enough. I am tired of feeling needy and helpless so I am standing up and dusting myself off and taking my life back. Today I am done with the grief and fear that has paralyzed me and I am ready to move on. So I am going to build my own bridges and toss those whinny customers out of my office.

Finding Center

I did in fact take a little road trip yesterday which was just what the doctor ordered. I was far enough away that it felt like a trip but not so far I didn't want to drive back. I visited a little state park and hiked around the area for a few hours and then a thunder storm passed through and I waited it out under the brush. I have always loved storms even as a child it is the power and the way they always make things feel clean.

When the rained stopped it was really humid and the park was empty and that is how I felt empty. It was a good feeling to not try to distract myself in any way. No phones, no tv, no books, nothing but stillness. This is the place I have been trying to get to for months and after my meltdown it occurred to me that I needed time on my own away from my house and my responsibilities. Sometimes you have to get to that uncomfortable place to move forward and you can't do this if you have entertainment. It pushes back the sometimes uncomfortable truth that you are seeking and ultimately the peace you are looking to find.

So today I am back to the business which is my life. I had a restless night I woke up late went next door to let the neighbors dogs out, carried my dog out schedule my cousins move and then went to work on my day off and you know what I had no resentments. Everyone got taken care of and bonus I didn't actually have to help with the move. So it is all good.

I secretly prayed this morning that I would have to help with the move and surprise they didn't need me. I think the whole weekend covered a lot of steps.