So last night after my post I went into my bedroom to watch the tube and suddenly I felt wet. I maybe old but not that old. My water bed sprung a leak. I know what your thinking, you have a water bed isn't that from the dark ages. Yes it is but it I love it. It doesn't look like a water bed so unless you lay on it you wouldn't know. It keeps me warm and I sleep like a baby.
I had to move upstairs and sleep on my sofa bed. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't the cocoon I am use to sleeping in. My bed is old and needs replacing my ex and I bought it the first year we were together. I think it is appropriate the I am emerging from grief over that relationship and I am getting rid of the bed. I also got a dual mattress in case I might share it with someone else one day. That is looking forward to the future.
I thought about how I might have handle a crisis like this before the program. Actually, back then I had such a tight control over every inch of my life that if someone sneezed and it wasn't on the schedule I was devastated. I know what is important now and I realize the insanity of thinking I can control anything. By the time I attended my first meeting everything that I thought was certain in my life was gone.
I felt victimized by my circumstances and had to make changes in my thought process. First I had to learn that if I thought of myself as a victim then I was a victim. They told me no victims just volunteers. This seemed harsh what about all the wrongs that had been done to me? This is where it took time and I wasn't ready for a long time to look at my part in the disaster of my life. Then came compassion, compassion for myself first that I didn't know better, I was trying to survive. I didn't have the tools to cope with the behavior caused by the addiction in my relationship.
This is where it gets tricky having compassion for those that hurt you. It is so hard and for me some of those people were not alcoholics. It helped me to look at each person and find a way of accepting they did the best they could, just as I did. But I didn't inflict the kind of pain they did, how do I know? My tongue was sharp and I could lay low and strike at a very opportune time, when the other persons defenses were low. We all see things through our specially made lenses blocking out the things we don't want to see.
I was a martyr and occasionally I am still a martyr, on my worse days, but it doesn't last long. I have grown up in a lot of ways and don't allow myself the luxury of feeling victimized. I hate that about the program taking responsibility for every piece of you life, not being able to wallow in self pity. You can still do that but you will have to do that with someone outside the program.
I never know where this writing will take me each day. I start with something and then it totally changes. So back to my disaster, I ordered the bed and for the next 14 business day I will be without my cocoon and I will adjust. It isn't life or death and I will survive.