Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Gratitude and Cabin Fever

I have cabin fever. I didn't make it out of the house today like I planned. I got up and got dressed and my customer called and said she had the flu. She didn't want to see me or expose me to something lethal. I appreciate that.

I have been in the house three days and I am a little loony. One of my friends called and we decided to do something tomorrow. We are going to just get in the car and drive south for the day. It sounds good in theory and I can't wait.

I could have gone out today but I decided that I should tackle some final issues with the IRS, the thought of it is wearing on me. I promised the agent on the phone that I would complete everything within 30 days. This should be it and I am trusting that it is. Now that I am out of depression it doesn't really seem that complicated and I could really beat myself up over the time and cost of waiting this long. But I am past that.

I am glad I got it finished today. Even if it meant not leaving the house. I will be happy when I don't dread going to mailbox. Really at this point another letter from the IRS doesn't even hardly raise my blood pressure.

This whole situation makes me realize just how far I have come in life. If this had happen before the program I would have spent so much time beating myself up about it and I certainly wouldn't tell anyone about it. But you know I am a kinder person than I was back then I can have compassion for what others are going through and I can have compassion for what I have gone through. Just because I didn't admit my mistakes before didn't mean they didn't exist.

Back then I judged people harshly because I felt I was judged harshly and I was, by me. I never measured up to my own standards. I still don't but now I can say it's OK to be exactly where I am today. I can accept my limitations and yours too, assuming you have any.

I am a survivor and the past three years have been the worst in my life. At times I didn't think I was going to make it. I spent so much time in the hall waiting for the door to open that I thought I would go insane.

I use to be so superior saying I would never do this or never do that and I have had to eat those words many times. This is part of my own spiritual awakening and has revealed my own shortcomings. My own failures have made me a stronger and better person. I am eventually grateful for the lessons when some time has passed and the pain is just a distant memory. I am not there yet.

Having the IRS chase me and paying some penalties isn't such a big deal after all that I have been through. I made it, I am healthy and happy and out of the hall. I can work a little harder and if business is good, I can pay even more taxes next year.


  1. It is nice to be in that hall. I think that I am staying there more and more. The doors are opening too.

  2. it feels good doing those things one's procrastinated on for so long, doesn't it. and now that all that stuff is done, treat yourself to a nice outing tomorrow...