I have recovered from my temporary place despair yesterday. It is good that I know it is temporary but it is experience that has taught me that and sometimes in the midst of the storm having that information doesn't help at all.
I saw an interview with Marie Osmond about her son and his suicide and how one month before he was excited about getting into the college of his choice. I get that, despair can come up so quickly and seem so paralyzing that you would do anything to get relief. Being young you don't have experience to know that it will pass.
When I was in high school living at home in an impossible situation the thought of suicide did cross my mind. I thought I will never survive this and I was a minor and couldn't leave, I had left before and was brought back.
To me despair is when you see no way out, you believe that you will always feel that bad. I was 15 and I knew at 16 I could leave and I did. In the mean time I slept for almost 9 months. I made a decision that when I was at home I would be unconscious. I lived because I believed they were the problem and I knew that if I could get away from them I could be free. I knew that only time stood between me and freedom. If I could do something to kill time I could make it.
I am not sure why I went into all that today but there it is. I guess for me when I go to a dark place sometimes it seems more devastating than at other times. Grief is familiar and perfectly healthy really. When you lose something or someone important to you, you must grieve in some way. Despair is another animal and care must be taken to get help. You can't think your way out of despair because despair makes you think there is no solution. You need a second opinion.
So I got a second opinion yesterday from a professional. It seems perfectly clear when it comes from someone else. She is spiritual and knows I am game for anything that will make me feel better so we did a meditation. She had me lay on the floor on a blanket and imagine I was lying in the grass looking at the sky. It was clear and blue and the sun was shining and then small wispy clouds started collecting and then darker clouds. All the time I am safe in knowing that the sky was blue behind the clouds. The storm came and I was perfectly safe and then the sun returned and dried me off and the sky was blue once again and then more whispy clouds.
I feel great today and know that good or bad, this too shall pass.