Sunday, January 27, 2013

I saw a bag crossing the road.

I saw a bag crossing the road .  It was just sitting there on the side of the road and just as I reached it dashed across the road quickly unharmed. I guessed it must be headed back to the store.

I spent the day with a friend who is fighting an addiction. Winning for today which is good since that is all we have. That is all that is asked of us is to make it through this one day with our without an addiction.

We have all kinds of addiction in this world. Many substitutes for what we believe is missing from our lives. Filling these spaces with food, alcohol, drugs or even taking care of others. Grasping for what is outside ourselves to quiet our deepest fears. Our fear that we are not enough.

When I first came the program I didn't realize this was my real fear. I knew I was always afraid of losing something or someone . When I found something or someone that made me feel good I latched on to it with all my might.

The minute I did this what ever it was started to die. Holding on so tight squeezed the joy and spontaneity out of everything. The very spontaneity that gave it joy to begin with. The ease of the way life flows naturally if you let it. I had no ease just control.

Even in my search for spiritual freedom I distorted it into something to use against myself. What started as a path to freedom became another way to judge myself and the work I needed to do to be my best.  To become a better person the kind a person someone could love.

What I know now is that I will never be good enough for someone to love me until I am good enough for myself. I have found that nothing outside myself will fill this longing to be enough. I have to undo this idea I have created that I am not enough unless I am loved by another person.

I have found my way to truth through pain and suffering. Is there another way I am not sure. For me suffering was necessary because I was so entrenched in the childhood beliefs that I couldn't let go and see the love that was missing in my life. The love of the god of my understanding and ultimately self-love.

My existence makes me worthy of love. Is a baby or a person sleeping on the sidewalk less worthy of love because they are not adding value that can be readily seen. Of course not. Can I see that I am lovable just as I am.

It was hard for me to grasp this idea. That I am not the sum of the things that I accomplish. I can't use the love of others as barometer for whether I am worthy of love.

With this kind of freedom I can begin to relax and do what feels right in my heart and not because I need to get approval from someone or even because I need to see myself as a good person.  When my heart is full and relaxed I do things with love and without strings and it doesn't feel like work.

Meeting with my friend today made me see where I was not too long ago and how we can be our own worst  enemy.

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