Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Brace yourself
The universe has been throwing me a few curve balls at me the past few days. Conspiring to push all my fear buttons at the same time.  I am struggling to be still and know that I am not God and it will all work out.

Before the program I lived my life like a lot of people do in defense.  I prepared for every conceivable disaster that my imagination could create. My mind worked over time going through every possible scenario except of course the one that actually happened.

Life was something to brace yourself for because who ever was in charge up there was not on your side. Living in defense is exhausting because when something bad happens you think it is your fault you must of missed something. Truthfully you spend so much time in your head you can't see the obvious problems when there right there in front of you.

I am not sure why we think that we have the power to control the universe or why we take so much responsibility for in my case just about everything.

Living the spiritual life on my best days I can just let life take its course even when it looks like things aren't going the way I planned or hoped. I have to trust that just because I can't see how things will turn out doesn't mean that they won't turn out because they always do. Most of the time better than I imagine.

I still think that I am responsible for everything. Especially when people are mad or upset with me. I always think it is my fault somehow and sometimes it is and sometimes you just get side swiped by someone else's lesson. It isn't always about me. Really!

Yes I still give myself a debreifing listing all the ways I would or should have handled the situation differently. But hindsight is 20/20 and  I am learning that life is just life and to just get on with it.

I don't feel the need to prepare for disaster anymore. I still worry when too many things are stirred up in my life at the same time. I worry when my livelihood is threaten. My ultimate fear not being able to support myself and being a burden to someone else.

I was up all night the night before with worry but last night I slept great. I woke up and decided that I will be taken care if I just trust the process. My God has always provided for me even when I didn't trust that he would. Today I feel able to trust that I am in good hands

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