Limits

Tonight I have been thinking a lot about limits. First limits are not necessarily good or bad just like everything else in life it is your point of veiw. This week I reached my limit and had a complete meltdown. This has happened before but for some reason I was surprised by it this time. Once the crisis passed and I picked myself up off the floor literally in this case I had to decide what to do next.

First the crisis was not of epic proportions and the reaction didn't really seem to fit the situation. Yes it is true I have a lot going on I always have a lot going on I like it that way. But every time I decide to pull back and take time to recharge life comes on a little stronger. In my work customers show up out of no where after missing for months and in my personal life previous commitments can't be ignored. It is just life.

For me an introvert I need to recharge and what usually happens is that things start to build up and I don't get the time out I need and then I have a melt down. This time not getting away has to do with my dog whose health is failing and I don't feel I can burden anyone else with her care at this point. I have thought of leaving her at the vet but she would be disoriented and that would be tramatic for her. It not just about her it is that right now my life feels unstable and taking care of her just adds to the overall unstable view I have of of my life. On my best days I know it is just in my head and I am grateful for the life I have but sometimes I feel maxed out and I am scrambling to escape the fear.

So the question is am I really limited or is thought that I am limited what is really hurting me. I tell the people I sponsor we are only limited by our thinking there is always a third option. But when despair arrives you can't see any options that is why it is despair.

So to move past my place of doom initially I took off in the middle of the day abandoned my work and went to the movies. I saw Inception and it definitely helped me get away and tomorrow I am taking a little road trip, just for the day. So I am only limited by my thoughts of being limited.

I have choices and choosing to care for my dog for as long as it is best for her is just that a choice. She is happily sleeping waiting for her next meal just what we will do when we are her age.

Living In The Moment

I think for those recovering whether from alcoholism or from the effects of alcoholism living in the moment can be next to impossible.

When I began the journey of recovery I never had a moment where I was truly in the moment ever. I look back now and see that huge spans of time that I can't even remember. When I am in a bad space today it is usually when I am worried about something that is not even happening right now and may never happen. The anxiety this creates can be paralyzing for me and I shut down with fear.

In the beginning of my recovery this was a way of life for me focused on the next thing but now even though I can go there on occasion it isn't my whole world any more and I can enjoy my current situation.

Last night I had an invitation to go on a river cruise at sunset. It was a perfect night and we stayed on the top deck for almost the whole cruise. With the wind in our faces and beauty of the water there was nothing but peace for me. I came home did some Yoga and slept like a baby. This is rare the slept like a baby part and I am grateful today for the ability to live in the moment. Progress not perfection.

Being Boxed In

I watched Oprah the other night and the topic was about why women eat too much. It was particularly interesting and had a spiritual aspect that really for me applies to everything out of balance in my life. It reminded me of when I was 30 pounds heavier had asthma and in a relationship that was literally sucking the life out of me. It was no ones fault I felt trapped spiritually and I used my love of cooking and food to sooth my soul and the stomachs of the people I love to get through it.

I go numb with a variety of things when I don't like where I am it can be a busy schedule or food. Lately I find myself eating unconsciously and then obsessing about gaining weight which makes me want to eat. It was this show that made me think about what is really going on. Really sitting with my feelings and be conscious no matter how painful that is helps me to present and not chase after a quick fix.

When I am in pain looking for a distraction is the first thing on my list but it doesn't solve the real problem it just pushes the problem down further. Like the woman said on the show your body is not craving cheesecake it something deeper.

When I feel boxed in and nothing seems to be changing anytime soon I can only do something about right this minute. Taking a moment to just be and realizing the pain is in the resistance can sometimes sooth me. Other times nothing works and I have to just feel the pain. That sucks but inevitably it usually passes and I move on.

A family Disease

I went to a party yesterday at a house that I had never been to before and when I went in it reminded me of my life living with alcoholism. I don't know the owner but the house was in great disrepair. There were unfinished projects everywhere and you could feel the sadness there.

I remembered living like that when I was living with alcoholism and even recently to some degree during grief. It is a symptom of something deeper than just bad house keeping for me it was part of being unconscious. The pain of the current situation being too great to face and shutting down.

For me both recently and with the alcoholism of the past I just felt like there was no hope yet I kept trying to think my way out of it. The difference between now and then is I have a program and the support of friends in the program to let me know that I am OK and even if maybe I have gone over the edge.

To those living with sickness what ever it may be there is hope and a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. I took this picture on my way home of the sunset behind the palms it was a slice of gratitude after revisiting the past.

Freedom

I got up this morning with no real plans for today the thought of freedom crossed my mind and since today is the ultimate celebration of freedom I thought I would write something about it.

We say we want freedom but with freedom we can find ourselves with a lot of uncertainty and fear. The monotony of the every day mundane task whether that is work or chores or even something we use to enjoy provides us with a certain amount of comfort. When things change and we are free to choose something else fear starts to bubble up. There is no security in freedom just endless possibilities good and bad.

I usually don't choose freedom it chooses me. All the big changes in my life were things that were forced on me by someone else's choices. I don't feel like a victim any more in recovery you learn that it all works out. In most cases the writing was on the wall and I didn't want to see it or I wasn't ready to see it. I don't blame myself anymore I realize the result was the same with or without my making the choice. God does for us what we can't do for ourselves.

With freedom there is uncertainty. If you believe that we choose our own path consciously or unconsciously or if you believe that God chooses it for us dealing with the fear of change is part of our human experience. Accepting the ebb and flow of this experience is part of the journey. Pushing through the fear and living in the moment keeps us from going crazy. So just for today we can celebrate the joy of freedom.

Hanging out and Hanging on

I have been taking pictures of a frog that has been spending time outside my front door. Each day he is in a different place but he hasn’t moved very far. I guess he is just getting a different perspective of his bug buffet.

I have been working on the same thing for myself. I think if I just change my perspective I can figure things out. I get really frustrated when I can't come up with a solution and become impatient for things to move more quickly. I have found that even though it takes me a long time to get there acceptance of things the way they are is the only way to be sure things will change.

I applaud the frog and his ability to wait and be content to just change his perspective.

Once in a Blue Moon-Step Three

Yesterday we took a little drive to a place that has been a refuge for me during my grief and uncertainty. It was the perfect day.

The last time I was there I went alone I was in a particularly fearful place and I thought the drive would lift my spirits but I ended up just sitting in the car unable to get out. I have learned that this too shall pass and if I don’t panic things will change and I will be ok again.

I have been feeling peaceful the past few weeks and I think it is because I have been practicing what I preach by taking care of myself and relying on the third step. I like to be busy so I over book myself until that one last commitment tips the scales. I love being with others and offering support when I can and still feel a little guilty when I have to pull back. I know that balance is one thing that I am always looking for and that knowing my limits is important. If I am rested and in a good place I have more to offer.

The other part of finding peace for me practicing the Third Step. When I get caught up in finding a solution I get in trouble. Realizing that I am not in charge helps me to be more accepting of what is true for today. Step three is simple and I need simple, turning my life over and over and over gives me place to put my fear. When I am rested I am more likely to lean back and let go.

This picture was taken last night after a day in the sun, a wonderful dinner and good company. Luckily this happens more than once in a blue moon.