Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Cunning Baffling and Powerful
I can't help but continually analyze my life look at where I have been and where I might be going. It is the core of me and something I have come to accept. Responsibility is always part of who I am etched permanently in my personality.
Living life with such seriousness can be draining and by the time I found the 12 steps I had made serious and art form. I never laughed and hadn't experienced joy in so long I wasn't sure it was possible for me. I gravitated to the alcoholic in my life because he seemed so different fun loving a real party guy. I wanted that for myself but being with him made me more serious because I felt responsible for keeping him safe. I was the designated driver for him and his friends.
It has taken a few decades to realize that I have to find my own joy and in the case of the fun loving active drinker what I found was the outside did not mirror the inside. We were really the same but the alcohol helped cover up the disdain he had for himself. Just like me never enough always blaming someone else for the bad breaks in life. I blamed him he blamed just about anyone but me at first and then me.
I watched an interview with David Arquette first time sober since he was 12. He talked about how perfect Courtney was to him. The perfect mother and wife. It was funny because I thought that describes the Al-Anon personality. He said he was the live wire and she grounded him. What a big responsibility to be someones everything.
I thought sickness to be with someone that is totally checked out. To be responsible and part of me thought power and control. The addiction has the power and it was my illusion to think I was every in control.
Cunning baffling and powerful. The cunning part was that before the drinking escalated it made me think I was in control and then the disease started moving into my territory. Just a little here a little there rebelling against me seeing just how far it could go. Pulling back from time to time to make me think I was back in charge.
Just as I eased my grip boom full on chaos and rebellion. Its power could not be matched no matter how smart I was or how much my husband loved me the disease won.
It has been many years since I live with active alcoholism but it left a mark on me a scar from many battles. It is the belief that you can win the battle for someone you love that takes you down. They have to fight for themselves and you have to get out of the way. You can put on your 12 step armour and become a warrior protecting yourself by being healthy and having x ray vision to see through the cunning part.
Addiction has been around as long as humans I suspect and it knows all the games. Being aware and present is the only way I have found to not get caught up in the game. We have all be affected by the disease and have taken on some of its subtle manipulating ways. Sometimes I catch myself using some of those techniques that I learned to get what I want instead of simply asking.
I wasn't going to write about this but here it is. I guess the interveiw brought up a lot of feelings about how superior we think we are to the alcoholic and how we are just as sick to want to be with someone that is not really there. I thought I was better but really we were the same. Covering up pain in different ways me with control and him with the alcohol.
The steps helped me to find myself and realize that I am the only person that can make me happy or make me sad. Recognizing my part in everything has been a gift. It has helped to not feel victimized. The scars are just a reminder. I don't carry the pain anymore but it helps to remember just how far I have come.