Thursday, March 10, 2011
Faith or Denial
What is next? That is what I am asking myself today. I treated myself to a big fat juicy hamburger for dinner last night. It was technically a Patty Melt a new item on the menu at my favorite local restaurant. They have become like family and since I decided that I a want a life of solitude I go there once in awhile alone. I needed some comforting food in my grief and they are always very kind.
Now that Sandy's gone there is even more open space in my life. I can revisit getting a roommate and leaving town if I want. With the work situation I have no funds so the latter probably won't happen soon. It seems strange all the emptiness all this uncertainty but for the most part I feel like it is going to be fine. Denial or faith, does it really matter?
My horoscope said today it didn't matter how carefully I planned that things were happening too quickly to keep up and to just go with my gut. Paraphrased of course. I read them every day along with the hexagram. Always just for inspiration take what you like and leave the rest. The hexagram is ancient Chinese proverbs or something. Today it was Patience. It talked about when one is fishing it is the patient fisherman that ultimately gets the catch. It also said waiting builds spiritual strength and in times of waiting the wise use the time to focus on God.
Truthfully in all my whining I have gotten better at waiting than I ever have been. It is my nature to jump ship plunge into the next thing right or wrong just to stop the anxiety related to uncertainty. Better to be wrong than to feel any discomfort.
This I am afraid is my lesson. I don't really understand God's plan he didn't ask for my approval or consult with me to get my ideas. This is really hard for me a doer just to float along and watch life unfold.
I am having heart palpitations at night and dreamed I was trying to get a job at Subway. So maybe I am having a little anxiety. I am still waiting on the call back about the job.
Here I am in the boat with no oars today. Hoping that my faith will carry me through and believing that it isn't just denial.
Thanks to everyone for their thoughts about my loss it is appreciated.