Just before I woke up this morning I had a very vivid dream. I dreamed that my ex-husband and I were visiting friends in a high rise building at the beach. We were traveling up in the elevator in silence, both up against opposite walls. The elevator broke and we started falling. We were both very calm and knew we were about to die. My last words before waking up were, you know when we hit our heads will be crushed against the ceiling.
I have felt kind of hung over from this dream all day. Some say dreams don't mean anything and others say they tell us secrets about our inner desires or fears.
First I haven't seen my ex in 15 years. He did come up in some healing work I was doing a few nights ago. I was surprised that I had anythings left to forgive or be forgiven for with him. It is part a series of healing proclamations. You say out loud __________ stands before me and I ask them to forgive me as I have forgiven them. You use the first person that comes up and there he was.
As for the dream I could say we both stood there without emotion while our relationship plummeted to the ground. With me already thinking about how this would affect my head. We were helpless at the time facing alcoholism and both knew we were going down. Close as two people could be trapped in an elevator but still not able to comfort each other. Outside forces in control of our lives, we thought.
I am in a place of acceptance in my life. The choices that I have made have brought me to the place I am today. Not necessarily bad just not where I thought I might be. I know I am not alone in those thoughts but occasionally I have to look at the journey that led me here. I can do that with detachment without blaming myself or others and accepting what is not what I dreamed it would be.
A quote from Syd's blog still on my wall. "Did you ever wonder what your life would be like? Well, this is it. The fantasy is over. Now get to living."
I did feel trapped in that relationship and this is a re-occurring theme for me and now I realize I don't have to wait for it to hit bottom to get out. I can choose not to get on the elevator in the first place or take the steps instead.