Friday, March 4, 2011

Life and Death

My mood is flat today. I have spent the last three hours with an unexpected customer appointment. I did have plans to meet my sponsor for lunch and use this day to work on small bits of unfinished work but the powers at be thought otherwise.

It is my partners day to cover the showroom and she had an appointment off site at the end of the day. Her appointment moved to lunch time so she had to leave. So much for planning the day.

My dog is close to the end I think. She is not eating much and is sleeping a lot. This has happened before and she has bounced back. She doesn't really know me anymore. It is sad but she is 18 and I have given her the best life possible. I make her meals with fresh ingredients and have loved her as my own for the past 8 years.

She has the personality of my Aunt her original owner. Independent and not too affectionate. My Aunt found her on the street with heart worms and ear infections. When she died I didn't want to take in an old dog. I had just put my dog of 17 years a sleep and the vet told me this dog had at best 6 months.

The dog was unfriendly and barked at me when I visited my aunt. She was really gross back then because my aunt was losing it and refused to have her groomed properly. She also was an outside dog had terrible skin problems and ear infections.

I caved and brought her home. It took me two years to get her ears cleared up and I was told to give her Benadryl for her skin. The first night I did that she ran around the house like the roadrunner. News flash she was allergic to Benadyl and she had been giving it to her everyday for five years.

She won me over pretty quick. She has the loudest bark for a 30 lb dog that I have ever heard. She has never been too affectionate maybe from the years outside or from being a stray, I don't know. She showed her love by eventually following me from room to room.

We have never connected the way I did with my previous dog. I guess we both have trust issues. We have a quiet understanding an appreciation for each other. When I moved she was so happy she probably could sense that I was unhappy in that relationship.

I miss the days when she was healthy and would watch lizards for hours sitting in one place. She caught a baby one once and from that point on she checked the same spot everyday.

It is time. It feels like she has been waiting for me to be alright. Without the depression I can handle the idea of losing one more thing a little better. I think animals can sense when you need them. I am sad but sad in an appropriate way. This sadness is not despair it is out of respect for the ending of a life. The tears are out of respect for what she has given me.

Of course I don't regret taking her in now or making fresh food for her. The diet cleared up her skin permanently. Side note she beat the heart worms without treatment.

Every life comes to an end it is part of the plan. Who knows I could be wrong she might make a come back she is pretty tough.


  1. What a nice share...reminds me of some in the program that bothered me in the early days.
    I feel warmth toward them even the ones I thought
    would never win me over.
    The more tolerance I have toward myself the easier it is to be tolerant toward others.

  2. I'm thinking of you today. I hope your dog doesn't suffer too much and that when the end comes, it is quiet and peaceful.

    We lost our dog (she was hit by a car) a couple of years ago and though we got another, an older dog who had been abandoned at a shelter and love her too, I at least feel we have never connected the same way either. She isn't very affectionate either. But still, love anyway right?

    Anyway, I'm so sorry.

  3. This is so sad. I wish that our animals had so much longer to be with us. Eighteen years is a wonderful age for a dog though. I hope that I get that much in human years. Thinking of you as you make the hardest of decisions.