After rearranging my house I of course I had to think about why I did that. It was perfectly suited for entertaining and large gatherings. What I realized is that is not who I am anymore.
For the past two decades I have made more food than you could possibly imagine and served more people on a regular basis, than most people do on the the holidays. What I realized is, I have moved on. Don't get me wrong I loved cooking and entertaining like my version of Martha Stewart.
It felt good serving up bowls of love and creating the family I lost as a child. I needed to find out that even with all that I couldn't feel secure the way I did as a child. As an adult I have found that that love is conditional and the only way to make sure you are loved 100% of time is to love yourself. It isn't easy to think of yourself as lovable but we expect others to think we are lovable.
I have spent the past few months facing my own insecurities and loving myself despite them. Looking at the core of me and facing the fear that I am not enough. Enough for who? Me, I am not enough for me. New flash, I can change that thought I can't change whether or not I am enough for someone else but I can be enough for me.
It sounds a bit dramatic but this longing to be good enough for someone has held me back in so many ways. I feel somehow free for the first time in my life.
Last night I painted for the first time in a long time. In rearranging my house I converted a room that would be used for social occasions into a private studio. In a matter of a couple of hours I had a new painting. I feels really good to be a peace.