Sunday, October 31, 2010

Painting a New Me

It was the nicest day here and I finally got around to planting a bunch of plants given to me over a month ago. I have felt real guilty seeing them there in the driveway but I have been too swamped to do anything about it. So today was the day. Nobody was out in the neighborhood. I guess with church, Halloween and football they're so many choices. I could hear screaming so I am thinking our team was winning or some one's team was winning.

The plants looked dead some of them but I planted them anyway and hope for the best, sometimes plants can surprise you like that. I cleared out some old asparagus ferns that the previous owner probably planted 20 years ago I had to dig them up. I am sure I left enough behind that they will return when they are ready.

I worked in the studio this morning and painted some and then took an inventory of the paint colors I have. I have really evolved with my thoughts about painting. I had it rough in high school with all the super stars in the art class. The teachers always catered to them. Once my favorite teacher ask me and another average student to paint the sunset for the school play. We were excited and honored so we painted a fiery sunset and it took us all night. When the play opened and the curtain was raised it wasn't our sunset it had been over by one of the superstars.

We were crushed and I didn't want to ever go back to class. She could have told us we were so young and already felt insecure about our talents. But she was probably twenty something herself and didn't know how to say it wasn't what she wanted.

I didn't try to paint again until my mid twenties when I was unemployed and then only under the direction of the Bob Ross method painting on TV. Happy little clouds. I still have them and yuck. I was so afraid of being judged or feeling silly so as long as it looked like everyone elses I was happy. I was so sick an insecure.

I didn't paint again until this last breakup. When you are in a relationship your free time is not your own. It is made up of compromises and if that doesn't work you end up not doing anything but watching tv. I never really realized I was giving my life away a piece at a time or I should say an hour at a time.

So here I am alone and back to my first love creating. I like all forms of creating and watch all the shows that have to do with the creative process. Everything we touch and see was an idea in some one's mind or in the mind of God. It never gets old to me and if it does I will just create something new.

Since I came to Al-Anon, after my first marriage ended, my need to please others and feeling inferior, has just about vanished. I accommodate when it is a win win situation but what I have realized lately that I have to really listen to my gut before I say yes to do something. I can easily get to where I say yes because I can't think of anything else at that moment that I would rather do. But having nothing scheduled actually gives me time to think about things I do want to do.

Sorry, I went off on that tangent it is a big issue for me and something I have been trying to understand. Doing something is not always better than doing nothing.

Now I paint what I want. I like to paint ordinary things. I painted some light bulbs a couple of nights ago. So what, I am not that girl that was jilted in high school by her favorite teacher. Let's face it art is purely subjective and unless you paint like the masters, which was already done by the masters, who cares.

I evolved in the program and my art has followed. Relationships change even the relationship with yourself. It is good too, that the girl inside me can let go of feeling inferior and accept the gifts God has given me. It has been a long haul.

Happy Halloween

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