I had a lot of time on my own this holiday I didn't feel like forcing my plans on the universe and decided to just let life it's natural course. This decision left me empty and a little panicked that my life has become so small. This is just my mind working against me. I decided to try to just relax and accept things the way they are instead of wishing them to magically be different.
When the anxiety of being alone comes to the surface the first thing I want to do is blame myself. I blame where I am on all the bad decisions I have made. Choosing the wrong people to love or picking the road less traveled spiritually and alienating myself from my family.
If only I had done things differently my life would have ended up like one of those holiday TV movies. This thought is about about control I tried that route when I was younger. I was still abandoned by the people that were suppose to love me. At that point with the help of the program I decided to let go and just go where ever life took me. I was happier by far but in the end I was left again. At that point I decided there was something wrong with me. Another lie I told myself.
This is just life and you just have to deal with it. I feel I am ready to enjoy life again and feel another shift happening. With work being slow right now I decided to clean out my office after five years. It was so busy when I started and I have had my head down learning. Where does the time go?
I cleared out all those old files some where I had invested so much time and paperwork in people that never came to anything. This is a little disheartening but I am seasoned now and have a different process for handling customers and purging my files. Ironically the first person I waited on yesterday I had been to their house two years ago and now they are ready. I still had that file. Funny.
Doing nothing is really scary but it can bring on an awakening. Getting past the doer in me is hard with the list of things that I want to do along with with the things that need to be done. I felt frozen even after lecturing myself daily about all the valuable time I was wasting. I did do a few things like baking cookies for the office and on Christmas day going to a friends open house and then to an Al-Anon meeting. It was my home group location and it felt good.
The meeting was on the 12th step and it did give me an opportunity to see just how many awakenings I have had over the years. Some in your face awakenings and some revealed slowly over time. Awakenings require you to step back from your situation sometime willingly and other time by force it seems we have no choice.
Today I am feeling good. Just writing this has made me trust the awkward space between me and myself. It is sometimes ugly being me and I have hurt myself and other people trying to figure things out. It was never intentional or personal just like the people that hurt me. We are just trying to make it through life the best we can even if it isn't always good enough. It is what we have at the moment.
I can see I needed this empty time to evaluate where I have been and where I want to go and make choices in that direction. I don't micro manage my life anymore and I don't let my life run me either so I have come to middle and I can make decision today to my life a little better.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Saturday, December 22, 2018
I am too much. - Feeling and Food
It scares me when I have too much free time. I have worked hard to try to un-clutter my life and do things that feel authentic to me instead of running scared and filling each moment with something. When I was grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have with the people I thought I would have it with I packed my life with any kind of distraction possible. Only when I stopped did the healing start.
Being on my own has given me the opportunity to really wallow in my aloneness to a point of narcissism some might say but it does have healing power. While writing about my childhood I was able to see why I get stuck. It triggered something pretty core to who I am. It has made me see that since the very beginning I have been too much or at least this is the impression I got somewhere early on. I was ADD and my parents were offered medication which they declined. Then my mother got a terminal diagnoses of cancer and I was still a hand full. In my writing I did stay out of the way as much as possible since I knew I was a problem. Spending hours and hours in our basement alone.
Yesterday I was fighting some version of depression. Not the deep down version I experienced years ago but the kind where you just don't have the desire to do anything in particular and since I have deliberately downsized my life I could go with it. It felt pretty awful and my negative inside person wanted to run and also point out how this was going to be what the rest of my life looked like so I better get use to it.
I have learned to trust these days and instead of listening too carefully to that voice I decided to get up make myself a healthy dinner that included steak and big salad. I then went back to my room and watched all the TV I wanted without guilt.
I chose a few different movies at random and was able to pick out phrases that I could relate to. In the movie "To The Bone" about younger people with eating disorders one character said "I don't see the point of life". I recognized this as depression a emotional thought that the brain holds on to that is get worse without food. When I was depressed I didn't eat and when I did it was crap. My thoughts were bad and they repeated over and over. In never linked the food to my feelings.
I thought about when I was stuck the kinds of paralyzing thoughts the kept me there for a long time. I couldn't see a solution to the problem. I didn't want to be where I was but I couldn't change that so I totally shut down. In the movie the doctor says "she has to choose to decide that things can be different." This is what happened to me one day while in a catatonic state sitting on my the floor of my porch a voice said to me. "You are doing this to yourself."
It was a turning point for me. I was choosing to listen to the voice that was telling me that my situation was my fault. I was left because there was something about me that was not lovable. I had proof because everyone that I thought loved and cared about me had left me. Being me was "too much".
This is my core belief about myself that keeps me isolated. I use to do everything for everybody to earn my keep. When I had my meltdown I stopped doing for others and everyone ran away. This only proved my point that I wasn't enough just as I am. Relationships built on what I brought to the table and when I didn't have anything to bring there were only a few left there.
My sister once told me during a Christmas visit to her house that my husband left me because I was too much. This was a few years ago and after that visit I slipped way back into depression.
I am happy today. You probably thought this was a sad post but after withdrawing yesterday I can see that my belief that I am too much has plagued me most of my life. It is the source of my pain. I might be too much sometis and just like everybody else. I can decide that I am who I am and way I was made.
I can accept myself as I am and not worry how you might feel about me. I always do my best even when it might not be good enough it is all I have. As far as my sister saying I was too much for my active alcoholic husband well he was definitely too much for me in the end. He could charm the world and come home to emotionally abuse me. That was too much.
My gift to you is this holiday is to decide to take care of yourself. See yourself as good enough to be taken care of physically as well as spiritually. Eat well and lay off the carbs and fat is good for you.
Being on my own has given me the opportunity to really wallow in my aloneness to a point of narcissism some might say but it does have healing power. While writing about my childhood I was able to see why I get stuck. It triggered something pretty core to who I am. It has made me see that since the very beginning I have been too much or at least this is the impression I got somewhere early on. I was ADD and my parents were offered medication which they declined. Then my mother got a terminal diagnoses of cancer and I was still a hand full. In my writing I did stay out of the way as much as possible since I knew I was a problem. Spending hours and hours in our basement alone.
Yesterday I was fighting some version of depression. Not the deep down version I experienced years ago but the kind where you just don't have the desire to do anything in particular and since I have deliberately downsized my life I could go with it. It felt pretty awful and my negative inside person wanted to run and also point out how this was going to be what the rest of my life looked like so I better get use to it.
I have learned to trust these days and instead of listening too carefully to that voice I decided to get up make myself a healthy dinner that included steak and big salad. I then went back to my room and watched all the TV I wanted without guilt.
I chose a few different movies at random and was able to pick out phrases that I could relate to. In the movie "To The Bone" about younger people with eating disorders one character said "I don't see the point of life". I recognized this as depression a emotional thought that the brain holds on to that is get worse without food. When I was depressed I didn't eat and when I did it was crap. My thoughts were bad and they repeated over and over. In never linked the food to my feelings.
I thought about when I was stuck the kinds of paralyzing thoughts the kept me there for a long time. I couldn't see a solution to the problem. I didn't want to be where I was but I couldn't change that so I totally shut down. In the movie the doctor says "she has to choose to decide that things can be different." This is what happened to me one day while in a catatonic state sitting on my the floor of my porch a voice said to me. "You are doing this to yourself."
It was a turning point for me. I was choosing to listen to the voice that was telling me that my situation was my fault. I was left because there was something about me that was not lovable. I had proof because everyone that I thought loved and cared about me had left me. Being me was "too much".
This is my core belief about myself that keeps me isolated. I use to do everything for everybody to earn my keep. When I had my meltdown I stopped doing for others and everyone ran away. This only proved my point that I wasn't enough just as I am. Relationships built on what I brought to the table and when I didn't have anything to bring there were only a few left there.
My sister once told me during a Christmas visit to her house that my husband left me because I was too much. This was a few years ago and after that visit I slipped way back into depression.
I am happy today. You probably thought this was a sad post but after withdrawing yesterday I can see that my belief that I am too much has plagued me most of my life. It is the source of my pain. I might be too much sometis and just like everybody else. I can decide that I am who I am and way I was made.
I can accept myself as I am and not worry how you might feel about me. I always do my best even when it might not be good enough it is all I have. As far as my sister saying I was too much for my active alcoholic husband well he was definitely too much for me in the end. He could charm the world and come home to emotionally abuse me. That was too much.
My gift to you is this holiday is to decide to take care of yourself. See yourself as good enough to be taken care of physically as well as spiritually. Eat well and lay off the carbs and fat is good for you.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
Accepting each other - family - So much alike
I spent a few hours on the phone with my sister last night. Our lives have ended up very different and now that we are older we are trying to narrow the gap between us. We have the same genes but had very different life circumstances.
She wanted to never make waves and I was born making them. At first I wanted to be like her but when realized it would never happen I was free to do what I wanted. I remember even now one time coloring together she stayed perfectly in the lines and how beautiful her page looked. My page was terrible my hand always slipped and there was the crayon outside the line. Once that happened my interest in coloring for the moment died and I left the page half done.
I really didn't understand that she was four years older and that her motor skills were ten times what mine were or that she had four more years of practice than I did. I yearned to be just like her because my parents really loved her. I knew this because they constantly said wonderful things about her. She was always respectful to them, she kept her room spotless, she had straight A's and practiced her piano lessons for two hours a day. She was perfect.
I am not saying they didn't love me because they did. The fact that they loved me despite my constant questioning of their authority, messy room, a report card that was celebrated with some "B's" mixed in with "Cs" and the fact that I refused to practice the piano. I never understood why girls were expected to play the piano. Even with that I was still loved not praised but loved anyway.
My sister now says my mother wanted to be a concert pianist. I can see now why my sister pushed to become the perfect piano player my mother imagined her to be. Especially after my mom got sick. My sister was old enough to see that things were not going well while I was told not to worry and I didn't.
While she was being perfect I was exiled to the basement where I built cites out of cardboard with stores and restaurants. I also held art classes there for the neighborhood kids with art supplies stolen from school. I only charged a small fee for the class. I loved art and often won contest at school. My dream was to decorate the bulletin boards at school for the holidays but you had to have grades like my sister's to be chosen. Art wasn't considered a talent like piano in our house but it made me happy.
With our effort to get to know each other my sister and I have found that we are the same in a lot of ways. The death of our mother made us different from other kids we knew a bond we are only sharing now. Ironically who we were as kids reversed when we became adults. When my dad remarried I had to learn to keep quiet and do what I was told perfectly. This was what was needed to be loved in the new household.
My sister's desire to be perfect left her when my mother died. She stopped cleaning her room, playing the piano or even ironing her clothes. With those perfect grades she got scholarship and left for college the summer my father remarried. She stopped trying to fit in and blazed her own path ultimately becoming the youngest female lawyer in her state.
Today we are more comfortable in our own skins and don't worry too about what other people think. The work ethic that was instilled in us by both of our parents has made us successful in whatever we have done professionally. Emotionally we are still a little too self reliant living in that fortress we built so many years ago. Today we are trying to be a little freer and happier and accepting of each other.
She wanted to never make waves and I was born making them. At first I wanted to be like her but when realized it would never happen I was free to do what I wanted. I remember even now one time coloring together she stayed perfectly in the lines and how beautiful her page looked. My page was terrible my hand always slipped and there was the crayon outside the line. Once that happened my interest in coloring for the moment died and I left the page half done.
I really didn't understand that she was four years older and that her motor skills were ten times what mine were or that she had four more years of practice than I did. I yearned to be just like her because my parents really loved her. I knew this because they constantly said wonderful things about her. She was always respectful to them, she kept her room spotless, she had straight A's and practiced her piano lessons for two hours a day. She was perfect.
I am not saying they didn't love me because they did. The fact that they loved me despite my constant questioning of their authority, messy room, a report card that was celebrated with some "B's" mixed in with "Cs" and the fact that I refused to practice the piano. I never understood why girls were expected to play the piano. Even with that I was still loved not praised but loved anyway.
My sister now says my mother wanted to be a concert pianist. I can see now why my sister pushed to become the perfect piano player my mother imagined her to be. Especially after my mom got sick. My sister was old enough to see that things were not going well while I was told not to worry and I didn't.
While she was being perfect I was exiled to the basement where I built cites out of cardboard with stores and restaurants. I also held art classes there for the neighborhood kids with art supplies stolen from school. I only charged a small fee for the class. I loved art and often won contest at school. My dream was to decorate the bulletin boards at school for the holidays but you had to have grades like my sister's to be chosen. Art wasn't considered a talent like piano in our house but it made me happy.
With our effort to get to know each other my sister and I have found that we are the same in a lot of ways. The death of our mother made us different from other kids we knew a bond we are only sharing now. Ironically who we were as kids reversed when we became adults. When my dad remarried I had to learn to keep quiet and do what I was told perfectly. This was what was needed to be loved in the new household.
My sister's desire to be perfect left her when my mother died. She stopped cleaning her room, playing the piano or even ironing her clothes. With those perfect grades she got scholarship and left for college the summer my father remarried. She stopped trying to fit in and blazed her own path ultimately becoming the youngest female lawyer in her state.
Today we are more comfortable in our own skins and don't worry too about what other people think. The work ethic that was instilled in us by both of our parents has made us successful in whatever we have done professionally. Emotionally we are still a little too self reliant living in that fortress we built so many years ago. Today we are trying to be a little freer and happier and accepting of each other.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Empty spaces - Sugar - Keto - Addiction
I have had a lot of space in my life lately. I can't put my finger on why I feel this vast emptiness all around me. It doesn't exactly feel bad it just feels I have stepped back from my life to take a look. I feel strange and un-attached from even myself.
I use to think every feeling I had was emotional or spiritual but now I think is mostly physical. What I am eating or not eating in some cases. I have been on the Keto eating plan for about six weeks virtually no carbs - moderate protein and high fat. I can have sweets if I use Stevia the only sweetener that does not raise blood sugar. The premise behind this way of eating is to make body run on fat for fuel. Starting with consuming high fat and ultimately having your body switch to the fat you are carrying around.
Over the years I have cut out some life time habits. Here in the south we drink sweet tea from about the time we can drink from a cup. I realized more than ten years back that I was giving my body a steady flow of sugar all day everyday so I stopped. I was on Diet Coke when I was with my ex because that was our drug of choice. I remember coming home from a long day at work and sitting down with just me and a diet coke. Sweeteners used in diet drinks is also addictive so I quit.
I thought the Keto eating plan was something that I could do pretty easily. The weirdest thing about it for me is that with the fat you are just not that hungry. When you are running on sugar when you are over the initial buzz or for me sedation you feel hungry again. The other day I watched my co-worker who consistently gains and loses 20 pounds sneaking into the office office of another co-worker who keeps a big candy dish in her office. She does this when she is stressed. I did this with her a few years ago and ended getting the flu they both had. I solved that by buying my own candy. You can't just have a little it starts the craving again.
It is funny or maybe not it is just like any addiction. It starts with a physical craving then all the justifications on why you need it and how you can control it this time. Just a little this time. They say that sugar does to the brain and the liver the same thing that alcohol does. I guess this is why sober folks sometimes have the insatiable sweet tooth. A study of mice given cocaine were offered many other substance and stayed with the cocaine until they were offered sugar and then they switched.
My point to this post is that my brain is changing chemically with this diet. I have lost the actual warm and fuzzy thoughts I used to have around food. I piece of candy is not going to help me make it through boring chores at work and I don't drive home from work thinking about the bag of corn chips I have in my pantry anymore. It is really weird not to want those things.
So I have spaces in my life right now and it feels very strange to me. Yesterday I was uneasy with the space but didn't just fill with something. I did some things around the house but focused on being okay with the anxiousness that space sometimes gives you. I want my life choices to be deliberate and not just cause I need to kill some time.
I haven't been part of the regular world since my first marriage when I tried so hard to create the childhood I lost. When that ended I quit trying at all to make my life look like anything in particular. I could see all the stress of keeping up was mindless and empty in the end. None of what is out there will ever really satisfy us long term. Do what gives you joy with people that you love. Be okay with the empty spaces we know they never last for too long.
I use to think every feeling I had was emotional or spiritual but now I think is mostly physical. What I am eating or not eating in some cases. I have been on the Keto eating plan for about six weeks virtually no carbs - moderate protein and high fat. I can have sweets if I use Stevia the only sweetener that does not raise blood sugar. The premise behind this way of eating is to make body run on fat for fuel. Starting with consuming high fat and ultimately having your body switch to the fat you are carrying around.
Over the years I have cut out some life time habits. Here in the south we drink sweet tea from about the time we can drink from a cup. I realized more than ten years back that I was giving my body a steady flow of sugar all day everyday so I stopped. I was on Diet Coke when I was with my ex because that was our drug of choice. I remember coming home from a long day at work and sitting down with just me and a diet coke. Sweeteners used in diet drinks is also addictive so I quit.
I thought the Keto eating plan was something that I could do pretty easily. The weirdest thing about it for me is that with the fat you are just not that hungry. When you are running on sugar when you are over the initial buzz or for me sedation you feel hungry again. The other day I watched my co-worker who consistently gains and loses 20 pounds sneaking into the office office of another co-worker who keeps a big candy dish in her office. She does this when she is stressed. I did this with her a few years ago and ended getting the flu they both had. I solved that by buying my own candy. You can't just have a little it starts the craving again.
It is funny or maybe not it is just like any addiction. It starts with a physical craving then all the justifications on why you need it and how you can control it this time. Just a little this time. They say that sugar does to the brain and the liver the same thing that alcohol does. I guess this is why sober folks sometimes have the insatiable sweet tooth. A study of mice given cocaine were offered many other substance and stayed with the cocaine until they were offered sugar and then they switched.
My point to this post is that my brain is changing chemically with this diet. I have lost the actual warm and fuzzy thoughts I used to have around food. I piece of candy is not going to help me make it through boring chores at work and I don't drive home from work thinking about the bag of corn chips I have in my pantry anymore. It is really weird not to want those things.
So I have spaces in my life right now and it feels very strange to me. Yesterday I was uneasy with the space but didn't just fill with something. I did some things around the house but focused on being okay with the anxiousness that space sometimes gives you. I want my life choices to be deliberate and not just cause I need to kill some time.
I haven't been part of the regular world since my first marriage when I tried so hard to create the childhood I lost. When that ended I quit trying at all to make my life look like anything in particular. I could see all the stress of keeping up was mindless and empty in the end. None of what is out there will ever really satisfy us long term. Do what gives you joy with people that you love. Be okay with the empty spaces we know they never last for too long.
Sunday, November 25, 2018
What is going on? Spritual Awakening
I have spent a lot time alone this holiday. Being alone shows me exactly where I am emotionally and ultimately spiritually. I have been doing some writing this weekend about my childhood journey and my mother's sickness. The writing started out very objective but scene after scene that I relived started to feel physically heavy to me and I wanted to run. Could I still have emotions tied to something so long ago? The running is really the painful part not actually feeling the emotions.
In an attempt to run emotionally I actually decided to physically run on my treadmill. Now you know this is definitely a desperate way to avoid having feeling when you would rather exercise. At first it really worked focused and sweating I was moving fast. Then the old song I think it is called What's Going On started to play. When the emotions came to the surface tears streamed down my face.
I am writing about a little girl who was living in a household where something was wrong but no one was talking about it. Even when it was obvious that there was a secret and things were happening but it was clear to me that I shouldn' ask questions so I didn't.
We were told that if you don't speak the words of faith that the miracle you are looking for will certainly not happen. If we doubted that God would heal my mother then she wouldn't be healed. I took that to heart and assumed that she would be healed because that is what I was told.
When she died I couldn't understand how that could have happened. During the years of her sickness I learned how to be autonomous. Before her sickness I was the problem child demanding with ADD and an endless stream of ideas and questions about everything. When she got sick I learned to take care of my own needs and stay out of the way as much as possible. Be helpful or be invisible if I could. Even before she was sick my life was easier when I entertained myself alone in my room or in the basement. I didn't get in trouble or get whippings and everyone seem happier especially my mother when I stayed out of the way..
I have felt like that throughout my life and during extreme periods of pain and sadness I especially didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Until writing about this time in my life this weekend I didn't really see that this is how I came to be who I am now and why I don't reach out. Why the only person I have ever really trusted with my emotions was ex husband and that ended with him running away screaming.
People like strong people and I have been strong since those early days in the basement. My sister recently told me that when she was leaving for college at 17 she didn't want to leave me with my stepmother and I said to her "don't worry I will be fine I can take of myself." In her mind this gave her permission to not worry about me. She was telling this story saying "you said I could go." I was twelve and evidently had the authority to do that.
I am not a fan of re hashing the past like I am doing in this blog today but sometimes when you have spaces in your life and you don't try to fill them with some kind of entertainment even exercise you can have a spiritual awakening that can cause you to cry while running on a treadmill.
I can see where the idea that I should take care of myself came from and why I believe everyone should be responsible for themselves and work through their own problems. I have helped a lot of people along the way realizing they weren't like me autonomous but something happen and I have grown tired. I take take care of myself and try not to be a burden to anyone.
I know this is wrong and that I do need emotional support and I need to support others. I will see where this thinking leads me.
In an attempt to run emotionally I actually decided to physically run on my treadmill. Now you know this is definitely a desperate way to avoid having feeling when you would rather exercise. At first it really worked focused and sweating I was moving fast. Then the old song I think it is called What's Going On started to play. When the emotions came to the surface tears streamed down my face.
I am writing about a little girl who was living in a household where something was wrong but no one was talking about it. Even when it was obvious that there was a secret and things were happening but it was clear to me that I shouldn' ask questions so I didn't.
We were told that if you don't speak the words of faith that the miracle you are looking for will certainly not happen. If we doubted that God would heal my mother then she wouldn't be healed. I took that to heart and assumed that she would be healed because that is what I was told.
When she died I couldn't understand how that could have happened. During the years of her sickness I learned how to be autonomous. Before her sickness I was the problem child demanding with ADD and an endless stream of ideas and questions about everything. When she got sick I learned to take care of my own needs and stay out of the way as much as possible. Be helpful or be invisible if I could. Even before she was sick my life was easier when I entertained myself alone in my room or in the basement. I didn't get in trouble or get whippings and everyone seem happier especially my mother when I stayed out of the way..
I have felt like that throughout my life and during extreme periods of pain and sadness I especially didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Until writing about this time in my life this weekend I didn't really see that this is how I came to be who I am now and why I don't reach out. Why the only person I have ever really trusted with my emotions was ex husband and that ended with him running away screaming.
People like strong people and I have been strong since those early days in the basement. My sister recently told me that when she was leaving for college at 17 she didn't want to leave me with my stepmother and I said to her "don't worry I will be fine I can take of myself." In her mind this gave her permission to not worry about me. She was telling this story saying "you said I could go." I was twelve and evidently had the authority to do that.
I am not a fan of re hashing the past like I am doing in this blog today but sometimes when you have spaces in your life and you don't try to fill them with some kind of entertainment even exercise you can have a spiritual awakening that can cause you to cry while running on a treadmill.
I can see where the idea that I should take care of myself came from and why I believe everyone should be responsible for themselves and work through their own problems. I have helped a lot of people along the way realizing they weren't like me autonomous but something happen and I have grown tired. I take take care of myself and try not to be a burden to anyone.
I know this is wrong and that I do need emotional support and I need to support others. I will see where this thinking leads me.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Embellishing the Truth - Getting trashed
I have a lot of under the surface emotions this time of year. I am grateful for this because it is no longer surface feelings that control the way I feel about myself. It is all old news and just writing about it gives it the only life it has for me anymore. I am not going to write about it this year.
When we think about the events in our lives it gives them life. Sometimes the story we recall are just embellishments of the truth of things. Like "that was the happiest time of my life" when the real truth if we scrub it down we can see that it wasn't. This is how we survive and pass the time in our heads. If only that had not happened things would still be as perfect as I remember. Fat chance.
For me I have always imagined that if I had had a mother that loved me for more than 11 years I would be a more happy and fulfilled person now. Recently I have been working on writing an embellished story of the events of an eight year old girl being raised in a pentecostal home with a mother that had cancer.
This is interesting to go back. It is for sure embellished because my parents kept it from me. They told me my mother was sick but God would heal her so not to worry. I was eight and we were fundamentalist and I believed my parents. I went on with my eight year old life.
Everything I knew about life was black and white it wasn't until life trashed me over and over that I found out that no matter how many times you do the right thing or prepare you can get blind sided. Black and white is not a mature view of life in my opinion. Having this view makes you think if something bad happens there is someone to blame and it you can't find someone you blame yourself for not being good enough. God would not have let that happen if you were doing his will.
In my mind there was no better christian than my mother. Every day she - prayed out loud for hours - read her Bible - never spoke badly about anyone - did missionary work - never bought herself anything new. I wonder when I see church on tv today what she would think of the big business church has become. She would say "that is none of our business to judge what they are doing it is God's business to do the judging". She would be right of course
She didn't prepare me for the real world while she was living. She didn't prepare me for people that weren't like her. How people can say they are Christians can do terribly mean things in the name of Jesus. When I was treated badly I always thought it was my fault why else would they be acting that way.
I am mature emotionally now maybe. I can see that hurt people hurt people and it is mostly nobodies fault. As an adult you can step back and decide whether you want to continue to have this person in your life. The other option is to detach and not take it personally. This is hard because sometimes people know you so well that they can easily push your buttons and you feel stuck the way you felt stuck as a child. Just remember you are not stuck anymore and after the meal you can pack up and go home. You have the power even if you don't believe it.
It the holiday for being with the people that stir up those old stories you have about yourself. Take heart you can detach and know that in the future you can embellish this years Thanksgiving any way you want. It doesn't really matter now does it? Be happy with where you are now all grown up. Maybe.
When we think about the events in our lives it gives them life. Sometimes the story we recall are just embellishments of the truth of things. Like "that was the happiest time of my life" when the real truth if we scrub it down we can see that it wasn't. This is how we survive and pass the time in our heads. If only that had not happened things would still be as perfect as I remember. Fat chance.
For me I have always imagined that if I had had a mother that loved me for more than 11 years I would be a more happy and fulfilled person now. Recently I have been working on writing an embellished story of the events of an eight year old girl being raised in a pentecostal home with a mother that had cancer.
This is interesting to go back. It is for sure embellished because my parents kept it from me. They told me my mother was sick but God would heal her so not to worry. I was eight and we were fundamentalist and I believed my parents. I went on with my eight year old life.
Everything I knew about life was black and white it wasn't until life trashed me over and over that I found out that no matter how many times you do the right thing or prepare you can get blind sided. Black and white is not a mature view of life in my opinion. Having this view makes you think if something bad happens there is someone to blame and it you can't find someone you blame yourself for not being good enough. God would not have let that happen if you were doing his will.
In my mind there was no better christian than my mother. Every day she - prayed out loud for hours - read her Bible - never spoke badly about anyone - did missionary work - never bought herself anything new. I wonder when I see church on tv today what she would think of the big business church has become. She would say "that is none of our business to judge what they are doing it is God's business to do the judging". She would be right of course
She didn't prepare me for the real world while she was living. She didn't prepare me for people that weren't like her. How people can say they are Christians can do terribly mean things in the name of Jesus. When I was treated badly I always thought it was my fault why else would they be acting that way.
I am mature emotionally now maybe. I can see that hurt people hurt people and it is mostly nobodies fault. As an adult you can step back and decide whether you want to continue to have this person in your life. The other option is to detach and not take it personally. This is hard because sometimes people know you so well that they can easily push your buttons and you feel stuck the way you felt stuck as a child. Just remember you are not stuck anymore and after the meal you can pack up and go home. You have the power even if you don't believe it.
It the holiday for being with the people that stir up those old stories you have about yourself. Take heart you can detach and know that in the future you can embellish this years Thanksgiving any way you want. It doesn't really matter now does it? Be happy with where you are now all grown up. Maybe.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Family - Addiction - Peace Versions of Reality
My family came and went this past four days. It was a nice visit everyone seemed pretty chilled out without stressing out over the the schedule. My sister and I we don't have any big angst between us anymore except at one point she said Obama was a big fake and the secretly he was really just as bad all the rest. She compared the president to Bill Clinton and his treatment of women I just let it pass.
Sometimes when you aren't quite comfortable with your own position on something you have to make the other side out to be a villain of some sorts. I know this is what I have done with my ex's and other problem situations in my life. You can't just say "it just doesn't work for me." Or "things have changed and I have moved on."
You have to justify why you don't like or want to be part of something anymore or why your better off. I think this is how you get past the guilt of moving on or letting go of the hurt of something ending. In my sister's situation assuring herself she is on the right side of things. Before the election we both spoke about the fact that the man is a sociopath. We actually agreed on that I am sure at this point she would say she never said that.
With the death of our mother we both have built a fortress around our version of reality. She also ended up in the middle of full blow addiction. She went to Al-Anon a few times to help someone else and said "it really wasn't for her she wasn't in denial and the people there were so strange."
She knows what is best for everyone and she will tell you that. Sounds just like an untreated Al-Anon to me. I have no desire to do anything about that anymore. She wants to save everyone but when you are dealing with addiction they have to want to save themselves. Like they say "cunning baffling and powerful."
When you are dealing with addition it is not the person you knew anymore. There are two people in there one running things the other small and scared taking orders. I felt this way when I was depressed. I felt like I was a prisoner of my mind and the negative self talk. I just wanted to end that talk and thought I couldn't live another day like that. I imagine that is the way addiction feels with the substance giving you temporary relief from the self -abusive talk.
My sister said "we didn't turn to drugs or alcohol to solve our problems." I said it was because we had a strong foundation to start with and probably because we were control freaks. I really don't know why some are more susceptible than others. Grace is really the answer to that question.
I am grateful that I have some peace with my family after all these years. Time does have a way of making you realize it isn't really that important anymore. It feels good to spend four eventless days with my blood relatives without trying to change anyone's mind or even state my own.
Sometimes when you aren't quite comfortable with your own position on something you have to make the other side out to be a villain of some sorts. I know this is what I have done with my ex's and other problem situations in my life. You can't just say "it just doesn't work for me." Or "things have changed and I have moved on."
You have to justify why you don't like or want to be part of something anymore or why your better off. I think this is how you get past the guilt of moving on or letting go of the hurt of something ending. In my sister's situation assuring herself she is on the right side of things. Before the election we both spoke about the fact that the man is a sociopath. We actually agreed on that I am sure at this point she would say she never said that.
With the death of our mother we both have built a fortress around our version of reality. She also ended up in the middle of full blow addiction. She went to Al-Anon a few times to help someone else and said "it really wasn't for her she wasn't in denial and the people there were so strange."
She knows what is best for everyone and she will tell you that. Sounds just like an untreated Al-Anon to me. I have no desire to do anything about that anymore. She wants to save everyone but when you are dealing with addiction they have to want to save themselves. Like they say "cunning baffling and powerful."
When you are dealing with addition it is not the person you knew anymore. There are two people in there one running things the other small and scared taking orders. I felt this way when I was depressed. I felt like I was a prisoner of my mind and the negative self talk. I just wanted to end that talk and thought I couldn't live another day like that. I imagine that is the way addiction feels with the substance giving you temporary relief from the self -abusive talk.
My sister said "we didn't turn to drugs or alcohol to solve our problems." I said it was because we had a strong foundation to start with and probably because we were control freaks. I really don't know why some are more susceptible than others. Grace is really the answer to that question.
I am grateful that I have some peace with my family after all these years. Time does have a way of making you realize it isn't really that important anymore. It feels good to spend four eventless days with my blood relatives without trying to change anyone's mind or even state my own.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Peace - Hope - God
I am feeling a lot of peace right now. I am trying not to over think it or dread future problems that aren't any of my business right now. Where I work I have over heard some rumblings of "what if we lose?" It always feels like us against them I have family and friends on both sides and I know they both have good intentions.
Last Sunday I watched couple of TV preachers and they both had underlying messages in the opposite direction. You would have to read hard between the lines to get the gist of what they were saying. In one "Jesus protected the meek" the other "What is right isn't always the way of the world."
These aren't real quotes just my own interpretation. I am on the side of the meek really and I don't think people that are not like me or that I don't understand are something to fear. The problem is that I have a hard time understanding those that seem like they only care about themselves. My point being that I am not all inclusive either. I don't include those that think God is only on there side.
I get where the beliefs come from and it does seem that world is becoming a darker place. I know it is hard for us to find something to believe in and have hope. I like the message of hope. If people are lonely or addicted and feel like they are on there own where can they go? A positive message even from a TV evangelist can spark hope in someone that feels alone.
I don't believe that we were all given the same opportunity to have the life we want. I had parents that loved me and said to me that "Jesus loved me and would be there for me." The fact that they told me this showed that they loved me and they wanted me to not be afraid. This was a positive foundation that I built on my whole life even though my own family abandoned me.
I can't imagined what it would be like if I didn't have that foundation. I have been through some tough times emotionally and have moved back and forth in my spiritual beliefs but you can't ever really get past your foundation. If your lucky like me and it was positive then you can build on it. If you lived where you were a burden and the people that were suppose to love didn't act like it then you are starting with less than nothing.
In this volitile time I think only messages of love are needed. Once people can stop hating themselves or living in fear of people they don't understand they can listen to their heart (if they have one) and will make changes. The people at work who are scared or scarred both have some people terrible childhood storys where they were taught eat or be eaten.
We are all in pain and are looking for comfort and trying to protect ourselves from change. Believing that our God is all powerful and only on our side calms our fears and helps up to have the courage to get up each morning. It is just human nature to do anything to avoid that fear we have that something bad is going to happen and pointing fingers at people that are different than ourselves.
Last Sunday I watched couple of TV preachers and they both had underlying messages in the opposite direction. You would have to read hard between the lines to get the gist of what they were saying. In one "Jesus protected the meek" the other "What is right isn't always the way of the world."
These aren't real quotes just my own interpretation. I am on the side of the meek really and I don't think people that are not like me or that I don't understand are something to fear. The problem is that I have a hard time understanding those that seem like they only care about themselves. My point being that I am not all inclusive either. I don't include those that think God is only on there side.
I get where the beliefs come from and it does seem that world is becoming a darker place. I know it is hard for us to find something to believe in and have hope. I like the message of hope. If people are lonely or addicted and feel like they are on there own where can they go? A positive message even from a TV evangelist can spark hope in someone that feels alone.
I don't believe that we were all given the same opportunity to have the life we want. I had parents that loved me and said to me that "Jesus loved me and would be there for me." The fact that they told me this showed that they loved me and they wanted me to not be afraid. This was a positive foundation that I built on my whole life even though my own family abandoned me.
I can't imagined what it would be like if I didn't have that foundation. I have been through some tough times emotionally and have moved back and forth in my spiritual beliefs but you can't ever really get past your foundation. If your lucky like me and it was positive then you can build on it. If you lived where you were a burden and the people that were suppose to love didn't act like it then you are starting with less than nothing.
In this volitile time I think only messages of love are needed. Once people can stop hating themselves or living in fear of people they don't understand they can listen to their heart (if they have one) and will make changes. The people at work who are scared or scarred both have some people terrible childhood storys where they were taught eat or be eaten.
We are all in pain and are looking for comfort and trying to protect ourselves from change. Believing that our God is all powerful and only on our side calms our fears and helps up to have the courage to get up each morning. It is just human nature to do anything to avoid that fear we have that something bad is going to happen and pointing fingers at people that are different than ourselves.
Monday, October 22, 2018
Love Letters - Being Hit - The Promises
Saying goodbye to the past is a life long endeavor or at least it has been for me. I am cleaning up my office soon to be creative space and found a framed copy of "The Promises" It is the Al anon version.
Number two says "We will not regret the past nor shut the door on it."
While cleaning I also found my copy of "The Power of Now". This is one of my all time favorite books. It showed me how much time I was spending getting lost in trying to solve my past. I just wanted to understand my part in what happened to me. I have lived most of my life staying busy all the time thinking these millions of thoughts about what I could have done differently to change what happen.
I always believed that because I was left there was something wrong with me to the core. Even recently I have accepted that I am the way I am and if this isn't lovable then so be it.
I have been loved by many people mostly people that have been deeply hurt themselves. I think I represent a safe place to land. Isn't that what we are all looking for? Once they feel better and gain some confidence they move on. I think this means my part in their lives are over and it is time we both move on.
I was watching "The Jane Austin Book Club" last night and they were talking about the writing love letters and how the written word can have a profound impact. I thought nobody does that today. What a fantasy well today I found about 20 pages of love letters from my high school boyfriend. I had forgotten about the letters. We went to different schools and worked together at a fast food restaurant at night. He wrote these letters everyday and brought them to me at work.
It was by far the most romantic relationship I have ever had. He actually wrote in one that he knew only girls wrote letters like this but as long as I didn't tell anyone about them it was okay. His dad didn't want us together he knew we were too serious and he wanted him to go to his college and join his fraternity sow those wild oats. My dad didn't like it because they were Episcopal a far cry from pentecostal.
He ended up breaking up with me because my parents wouldn't let me stay out past 11 on prom night. I begged my dad to change the rules for this one occasion but her wouldn't. This had his dad written all over it. I was completely devastated and we still had to work together. Ironically I had moved out by the time prom came around and I stayed out all night whenever I wanted.
Jim went on to marry that same girl. So dad's plans didn't work. She went to my same elementary school and I have a picture of the whole six grade class with her in it. That is also ironic. Any way I covered my pain well and the first time we worked together I made sure he knew I had a date for that night. He actually got so mad he hit me. Not hard but this gave me a good indication of what the future my hold. I laughed out loud when it happened I wanted to make sure he thought it didn't bother me.
I believe life is just life now. People come and go based on their own needs. We really don't have any control over what other people are doing. I think if your heart it right and you have spiritual guidance then it can work out. I do think you must always see your part in every situation but sometimes you just have to let go and accept that control of anything and anybody is an illusion and move on.
Not regretting the past can sometimes seem impossible. I can make the past my own fantasy version reading love letters and thinking things might have turned out better than they would have. Then I have to remember that he hit me. The only person ever in my life, besides childhood spankings, that ever hit me.
From time to time I still have regrets about the past and feel each time I should have known better. I always took people at face value living every day in the moment until the bad things snuck up on me. I still think that is better than constantly preparing for disaster and not trusting anyone. Neither one keeps you getting hurt.
Number two says "We will not regret the past nor shut the door on it."
While cleaning I also found my copy of "The Power of Now". This is one of my all time favorite books. It showed me how much time I was spending getting lost in trying to solve my past. I just wanted to understand my part in what happened to me. I have lived most of my life staying busy all the time thinking these millions of thoughts about what I could have done differently to change what happen.
I always believed that because I was left there was something wrong with me to the core. Even recently I have accepted that I am the way I am and if this isn't lovable then so be it.
I have been loved by many people mostly people that have been deeply hurt themselves. I think I represent a safe place to land. Isn't that what we are all looking for? Once they feel better and gain some confidence they move on. I think this means my part in their lives are over and it is time we both move on.
I was watching "The Jane Austin Book Club" last night and they were talking about the writing love letters and how the written word can have a profound impact. I thought nobody does that today. What a fantasy well today I found about 20 pages of love letters from my high school boyfriend. I had forgotten about the letters. We went to different schools and worked together at a fast food restaurant at night. He wrote these letters everyday and brought them to me at work.
It was by far the most romantic relationship I have ever had. He actually wrote in one that he knew only girls wrote letters like this but as long as I didn't tell anyone about them it was okay. His dad didn't want us together he knew we were too serious and he wanted him to go to his college and join his fraternity sow those wild oats. My dad didn't like it because they were Episcopal a far cry from pentecostal.
He ended up breaking up with me because my parents wouldn't let me stay out past 11 on prom night. I begged my dad to change the rules for this one occasion but her wouldn't. This had his dad written all over it. I was completely devastated and we still had to work together. Ironically I had moved out by the time prom came around and I stayed out all night whenever I wanted.
Jim went on to marry that same girl. So dad's plans didn't work. She went to my same elementary school and I have a picture of the whole six grade class with her in it. That is also ironic. Any way I covered my pain well and the first time we worked together I made sure he knew I had a date for that night. He actually got so mad he hit me. Not hard but this gave me a good indication of what the future my hold. I laughed out loud when it happened I wanted to make sure he thought it didn't bother me.
I believe life is just life now. People come and go based on their own needs. We really don't have any control over what other people are doing. I think if your heart it right and you have spiritual guidance then it can work out. I do think you must always see your part in every situation but sometimes you just have to let go and accept that control of anything and anybody is an illusion and move on.
Not regretting the past can sometimes seem impossible. I can make the past my own fantasy version reading love letters and thinking things might have turned out better than they would have. Then I have to remember that he hit me. The only person ever in my life, besides childhood spankings, that ever hit me.
From time to time I still have regrets about the past and feel each time I should have known better. I always took people at face value living every day in the moment until the bad things snuck up on me. I still think that is better than constantly preparing for disaster and not trusting anyone. Neither one keeps you getting hurt.
Saturday, October 13, 2018
ADD - Mother - Blood in the water
Because I have been ADD all my life I forever had an endless list in my head of things I wanted to do. I hardly ever get tired and don't spend much time basking in my successes. I move on to the next thing pretty quickly.
When I was a manager my team had serious deadlines to meet at the end of each month it was stressful but invigorating and when we met the goal we all clapped and danced around for about two seconds. I would then start thinking about next month or the next minute.
I didn't get it that everyone wanted to take a moment a celebrate and they felt I did not appreciate their efforts but I did. It just isn't in me to linger very long doing anything. This has made me a success professionally but personally the only people I attract is the ones that are happy to just sit back and let me take care of everything physically and emotionally. I was mostly too busy to notice but when I started feel used or invisible I withdrew.
Every relationship felt one sided I ask you how you are doing and what is going on in your life and you ask me nothing. This has taught me to be self sufficent emotionally. Instead of giving into the kid inside of me that drug my mother to my room to show her how clean it looked hoping to get some positive response. She did make nice remarks but there was always one thing not quite right. I got the idea that I was not enough. I would need to focus harder next time to please her.
I do that now I focus on what I didn't do right instead of all the good things I have done. This made me a perfect match for my addicted partners. In my experience it was this doubt I had about myself that let them control me. I say they can smell blood in the water and because my relationships were so intimate and isolated they had the upper hand. It was my own insecurities that made me give away my power.
I don't pick supportive people maybe because it feels so foreign to me. I am use to feeling on my own but it isn't healthy. When I went to see my childhood friend and she was so kind and generous with me it really felt wonderful. When I got back it was my birthday and my friends here didn't even mention it. Is this the kind of friends I want?
It really hurt. I am withdrawing and preparing for something new. Mentally I feel good I have given up carbs and my mind is very clear. As far as the mother story I am sure she was trying to help me strive for excellence. Ironically my step mother was 10 times the cleaning perfectionist when someone else was doing it. re-enforcing the idea that I am not good enough.
I have spent the last 20 years figuring out how I got here emotionally. I now want to spend the next twenty enjoying being here and appreciating my contributions to this world. I have done my best and it has to be good enough for me and that is all.
When I was a manager my team had serious deadlines to meet at the end of each month it was stressful but invigorating and when we met the goal we all clapped and danced around for about two seconds. I would then start thinking about next month or the next minute.
I didn't get it that everyone wanted to take a moment a celebrate and they felt I did not appreciate their efforts but I did. It just isn't in me to linger very long doing anything. This has made me a success professionally but personally the only people I attract is the ones that are happy to just sit back and let me take care of everything physically and emotionally. I was mostly too busy to notice but when I started feel used or invisible I withdrew.
Every relationship felt one sided I ask you how you are doing and what is going on in your life and you ask me nothing. This has taught me to be self sufficent emotionally. Instead of giving into the kid inside of me that drug my mother to my room to show her how clean it looked hoping to get some positive response. She did make nice remarks but there was always one thing not quite right. I got the idea that I was not enough. I would need to focus harder next time to please her.
I do that now I focus on what I didn't do right instead of all the good things I have done. This made me a perfect match for my addicted partners. In my experience it was this doubt I had about myself that let them control me. I say they can smell blood in the water and because my relationships were so intimate and isolated they had the upper hand. It was my own insecurities that made me give away my power.
I don't pick supportive people maybe because it feels so foreign to me. I am use to feeling on my own but it isn't healthy. When I went to see my childhood friend and she was so kind and generous with me it really felt wonderful. When I got back it was my birthday and my friends here didn't even mention it. Is this the kind of friends I want?
It really hurt. I am withdrawing and preparing for something new. Mentally I feel good I have given up carbs and my mind is very clear. As far as the mother story I am sure she was trying to help me strive for excellence. Ironically my step mother was 10 times the cleaning perfectionist when someone else was doing it. re-enforcing the idea that I am not good enough.
I have spent the last 20 years figuring out how I got here emotionally. I now want to spend the next twenty enjoying being here and appreciating my contributions to this world. I have done my best and it has to be good enough for me and that is all.
Monday, October 8, 2018
The battle of the mind - Attracted to the addicted
I was looking for a small notebook to put by my bed for note taking. What I found one with some writing I did a long time ago when I was actually on the beach. I was writing about being stuck. A theme I feel that has always been a part of my life but there was some excitement in it about The Course in Miracles. I have moved on from that realizing that it was just another way of me not accepting what is and hoping these words dictated by (?) to a PHD and written down to share with the general public would be the truth and answers I was looking for.
I loved the words they formed sentences that were so complicated - almost like a PHD wrote them - that my mind would leap for joy just trying to wrap my head around them. My mind is always looking for a puzzle to solve a place that needs fixing or just a bit of straightening up. That is why I fell for the addicted over and over so much work to be done. I knew I could help I had the power to make things better and they really liked my help for awhile. Until whatever they were addicted to got jealous and wanted me out of the picture.
I was hurt over and over again volunteering to give over my life to a cause and then being surprised that it wasn't appreciated in the least. Now I know my mind just really likes complicated things. It gets bored and starts looking around for entertainment. I use to just do whatever anyone wanted me to do just to stay busy and keep my mind distracted.
I would find myself doing things that I really had no interest whatsoever in doing. I blamed others for sucking me in I guess I thought I couldn't say no. Now I just do what I want and sometimes there isn't anything I really want to do and I have to accept that this is where I am. It is at times like these that my mind causes me a lot misery looking here an there to point out things that need to be done. I hear those words "what is wrong with you? Look at all that needs to be done and you are doing nothing."
I can and have done a lot in my life. Getting things done can give you a moment of happiness but then what is next? Luckily my job keeps me plenty busy and keeps my mind off my back. It is only when I am home alone to long that things get ugly. Sometimes I am not interested in being productive and the battle begins.
I always know that this conflict will pass and tomorrow I will be back to work. Thank God for work.
I loved the words they formed sentences that were so complicated - almost like a PHD wrote them - that my mind would leap for joy just trying to wrap my head around them. My mind is always looking for a puzzle to solve a place that needs fixing or just a bit of straightening up. That is why I fell for the addicted over and over so much work to be done. I knew I could help I had the power to make things better and they really liked my help for awhile. Until whatever they were addicted to got jealous and wanted me out of the picture.
I was hurt over and over again volunteering to give over my life to a cause and then being surprised that it wasn't appreciated in the least. Now I know my mind just really likes complicated things. It gets bored and starts looking around for entertainment. I use to just do whatever anyone wanted me to do just to stay busy and keep my mind distracted.
I would find myself doing things that I really had no interest whatsoever in doing. I blamed others for sucking me in I guess I thought I couldn't say no. Now I just do what I want and sometimes there isn't anything I really want to do and I have to accept that this is where I am. It is at times like these that my mind causes me a lot misery looking here an there to point out things that need to be done. I hear those words "what is wrong with you? Look at all that needs to be done and you are doing nothing."
I can and have done a lot in my life. Getting things done can give you a moment of happiness but then what is next? Luckily my job keeps me plenty busy and keeps my mind off my back. It is only when I am home alone to long that things get ugly. Sometimes I am not interested in being productive and the battle begins.
I always know that this conflict will pass and tomorrow I will be back to work. Thank God for work.
Friday, September 28, 2018
Making Plans - Proof of heaven
I feel a bit under whelmed at the moment. A lull in the action which is fine with me. I have been gathering my spirit to see what is next in hopes that I can steer things in a direction that is fun. Some where past the demanding customers and the remnants of my personal remodel.
I feel good today last night I watched a lecture on YouTube by the guy who wrote "Proof of Heaven" A neurologist that was in a coma for 7 days with no brain function according to the test. He had a specific experience that he says proved the mind and brain are separate. The spirit does operate without the brain.
He said where he went it was the music that was the healing force. He has a business called "Sacred Acoustic". I checked it out and it is like the delta wave meditation videos. Those space like sound waves kind of freak me out. The nights I have fallen asleep with them I have woke up suddenly and turned it off. I guess I am not ready for deep sound meditation.
I liked his story it gave me hope that there is something more than here. I also think this kind of thinking is also a trap. You spend your time focusing on what will be instead making the most of today this minute, Like the hymn "when we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be".
I want to learn to be happy today and not wish my life away for an end experience. Maybe the afterlife experiences calms those that fear death. Death doesn't scare me it is life that keeps me up at night. After my break I realized that making plans is purely for its entertainment value that counting on a script you produced in your own head will not end well.
Life is made up of a series of things to do each day and who you do those things with. A great deal of time is spent attending to boring chores or making money to purchase a nicer place to perform those boring chores. Okay that sounds a little sad.
In my business I create beautiful spaces that does enhance those living there. It is functional and where people that mostly love each other hang out and I hope make a meal together. It is worth it to invest in your space because a sad space will make you enjoy those chores even less.
I hope this post isn't too heavy it isn't meant to be I am just sorting things out over here. I plan on working on my house this weekend putting things in order and making plans. Ha ha.
I feel good today last night I watched a lecture on YouTube by the guy who wrote "Proof of Heaven" A neurologist that was in a coma for 7 days with no brain function according to the test. He had a specific experience that he says proved the mind and brain are separate. The spirit does operate without the brain.
He said where he went it was the music that was the healing force. He has a business called "Sacred Acoustic". I checked it out and it is like the delta wave meditation videos. Those space like sound waves kind of freak me out. The nights I have fallen asleep with them I have woke up suddenly and turned it off. I guess I am not ready for deep sound meditation.
I liked his story it gave me hope that there is something more than here. I also think this kind of thinking is also a trap. You spend your time focusing on what will be instead making the most of today this minute, Like the hymn "when we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be".
I want to learn to be happy today and not wish my life away for an end experience. Maybe the afterlife experiences calms those that fear death. Death doesn't scare me it is life that keeps me up at night. After my break I realized that making plans is purely for its entertainment value that counting on a script you produced in your own head will not end well.
Life is made up of a series of things to do each day and who you do those things with. A great deal of time is spent attending to boring chores or making money to purchase a nicer place to perform those boring chores. Okay that sounds a little sad.
In my business I create beautiful spaces that does enhance those living there. It is functional and where people that mostly love each other hang out and I hope make a meal together. It is worth it to invest in your space because a sad space will make you enjoy those chores even less.
I hope this post isn't too heavy it isn't meant to be I am just sorting things out over here. I plan on working on my house this weekend putting things in order and making plans. Ha ha.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Inner Conficts - Finding my own way
I always seem to have some kind of inner conflict that my mind relishes spending hours and hours trying to resolve. In the early years the conflicts were based on small things and solving superficial problems I was facing every day but now that I have reached a point where I know 99% of the things we worry about are superficial and in a few weeks or even days they will be forgotten my mind like to work on the heavy issues.
On Sundays I like to watch church TV mostly either Joel or the church my sister is currently attending. It is a satellite church where they watch the preacher on screen. He seems pretty arrogant to me very charismatic and has a wide appeal. Today he said "the liberals are against us and are the enemy of Christians every where" that might not be exactly the words but the idea in general.
This made me mad. I thought you just lump everyone together and put a label on them so we have someone to be against. We are right and they are wrong. This is what drove me from the church of my childhood. This and the double standard that is if we do something wrong we just ask for forgiveness and all is well if you do something wrong then you are a sinner and God will make sure you get what is coming to you.
I consider myself liberal and have a few liberal friends that are kind of extreme and would say the same thing about evangelicals being the enemy. Again lumping everyone together is never a good idea.
I don't like organized religion for the most part. It mostly seems focused on money and giving in order to have God bless you. It is big business these days and even though the message does help inspire people it seems so much excess. The mention of giving at every opportunity weaving it into every sermon in some way.
The bottom line for me is that my christian family abandoned me in the name of Jesus. After my mother died my life wasn't valuable to my own dad or my stepmother. They were happy to spend their lives without me with no attempt to reconcile or even reach out to me. There is an evangelist in my own family and this morning he mentioned my dad and how much he counseled him. He of coarse has no idea the pain or conflict I have endured just trying to reconcile how I was treated by the Christians in my life and the God that is suppose to love me.
I will continue to feel conflicted until my mind finds acceptance. People are flawed and self centered and even though they call themselves Christians it doesn't mean they always act that way. I can trust that just like me they will have to find their own way. For me my own Christan upbringing gave me the foundation that helped me to make though the hard times and for this I am thankful.
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Friends - Change - Renovation
I have written a few post over the past few weeks but lost interest before I posted them. I am coming to the end of my renovation and this weekend I will be putting the house back together. The kitchen is beautiful. I still don't have gas because the gas man tripped over his dog and broke his foot. He gave me the name of another company where his sister in law works and they are going to squeeze me in on Monday.
I took a spontaneous trip over the long weekend to visit my childhood best friend. We have a long history including her mom letting me live in their garage when I left home. There was no room in the inn at that point. We were five adults, one kid, two large dogs and three cats living under one roof.
It was complicated with 5 vehicles parked in the drive way. I slept in the garage with the cats and the car it was heaven to me. I was free from the emotional roller coaster of living with my dad and my step mother who thought I existed as free labor. Leaving after my dad threatened to have me fired if I didn't quit my job and babysit full time so my step mother could go back to work.
My friends mom was at one time my own mother's best friend. Both of our families were Pentecostal but we didn't attend the same church. We lived on the same street but my friends mom was a person that focused on the bad things that were happening in the world. Instilling in my friend a lot of fear.
Her husband left her around the same time my mother died. He ran off with his secretary and my friend's mom never married again. She didn't let her fears keep her from living and some of her happiest times she spent playing piano at a inner city church for the homeless.
What I loved about her is that she always had a plan. When we were kids every Friday night the family drove to the park and had a picnic dinner. Anyone that wanted to come was welcome and this ritual continued even while I was living there. She was a godly woman who never remarried because she felt it was sin in gods eyes to divorce. She never tried to control her kids and I think my friend was the only one of her kids affected by her fearful side.
I always felt welcome there we all took care of ourselves and I bought my own food. I never wanted to be burden since she so generously let me stay there that summer. I was happy to be able to just live my life without being some one's Cinderella cleaning and babysitting.
My friend and I haven't been close for most of our adult lives. We are very different people she lived at home until she married in her 30's. She quit work to home school and raise her kids. They moved out to a rural area to get away from crime. So far out I thought something was wrong with my GPS.
I don't have any judgments about that everyone has to find there own happiness. When her kids were young and she had to be right about everything she tried to preach to me about my life. I had just met my ex and we were living in sin. Time has passed and we both know more and are less right about things. When her mother passed away I went and stayed with her. It seemed the same as always polar opposites just hanging out. We have history.
Our mothers were opposites too and so it seems appropriate that we are the same. Her kids are leaving the nest now and both her parents and the other woman have passed she is feeling a little lost without so many responsibilities. I think it is interesting that we are both the same people we were on the inside that we were when we were kids. We still fit the same way which is nice.
It feels like to me that we start out one way in life and we decide that we are going to be different or life circumstances change us. Then as we mature and relax we come back to the person we were when we were kids. We know none of our rigid thinking really matters and we live and let live.
I think my renovation represents what is going on inside of me mainly a fresh start mixed in with who I am at the core. My kitchen is simple and calm with a big splash of color. It isn't what I would do for a customer but it fits me and I love it.
I took a spontaneous trip over the long weekend to visit my childhood best friend. We have a long history including her mom letting me live in their garage when I left home. There was no room in the inn at that point. We were five adults, one kid, two large dogs and three cats living under one roof.
It was complicated with 5 vehicles parked in the drive way. I slept in the garage with the cats and the car it was heaven to me. I was free from the emotional roller coaster of living with my dad and my step mother who thought I existed as free labor. Leaving after my dad threatened to have me fired if I didn't quit my job and babysit full time so my step mother could go back to work.
My friends mom was at one time my own mother's best friend. Both of our families were Pentecostal but we didn't attend the same church. We lived on the same street but my friends mom was a person that focused on the bad things that were happening in the world. Instilling in my friend a lot of fear.
Her husband left her around the same time my mother died. He ran off with his secretary and my friend's mom never married again. She didn't let her fears keep her from living and some of her happiest times she spent playing piano at a inner city church for the homeless.
What I loved about her is that she always had a plan. When we were kids every Friday night the family drove to the park and had a picnic dinner. Anyone that wanted to come was welcome and this ritual continued even while I was living there. She was a godly woman who never remarried because she felt it was sin in gods eyes to divorce. She never tried to control her kids and I think my friend was the only one of her kids affected by her fearful side.
I always felt welcome there we all took care of ourselves and I bought my own food. I never wanted to be burden since she so generously let me stay there that summer. I was happy to be able to just live my life without being some one's Cinderella cleaning and babysitting.
My friend and I haven't been close for most of our adult lives. We are very different people she lived at home until she married in her 30's. She quit work to home school and raise her kids. They moved out to a rural area to get away from crime. So far out I thought something was wrong with my GPS.
I don't have any judgments about that everyone has to find there own happiness. When her kids were young and she had to be right about everything she tried to preach to me about my life. I had just met my ex and we were living in sin. Time has passed and we both know more and are less right about things. When her mother passed away I went and stayed with her. It seemed the same as always polar opposites just hanging out. We have history.
Our mothers were opposites too and so it seems appropriate that we are the same. Her kids are leaving the nest now and both her parents and the other woman have passed she is feeling a little lost without so many responsibilities. I think it is interesting that we are both the same people we were on the inside that we were when we were kids. We still fit the same way which is nice.
It feels like to me that we start out one way in life and we decide that we are going to be different or life circumstances change us. Then as we mature and relax we come back to the person we were when we were kids. We know none of our rigid thinking really matters and we live and let live.
I think my renovation represents what is going on inside of me mainly a fresh start mixed in with who I am at the core. My kitchen is simple and calm with a big splash of color. It isn't what I would do for a customer but it fits me and I love it.
Monday, August 27, 2018
shooting - guarding our minds
Another shooting in the news it is disturbing that it is just becoming a normal event in the news. I think many things can cause a society to turn to violence to solve problems. We pretend that violence on TV or games or even by police doesn't really send the message that this is how to resolve conflict.
I also don't think you can stop someone who has no regard for their own life from taking as many people with them as they can. I do think between the time they become angry and the time they take action a lot of thoughts pass through their brain. Somewhere they have gotten the idea that this is the only solution. They should get what they want at any cost. Where does this idea come from?
I recently watched a magician follow a guy all day as he went about his normal errands. Each stop he either played a certain song or had someone in the store whistle the same song. At the end of the day as part of the magic act he said "think of a song but don't tell me what it is" then he had the band from the restaurant come outside and play that very song. The guy couldn't believe it.
My point is that our minds are constantly absorbing what is around us. I think that we need to guard what we casually listen to or watch. The advertisers have known this since the beginning even going as far as subliminal text during commercials. We can't ignore what is being fed to us every minute.
Today everything is instant gratification. We don't want to wait 3 seconds for something to come up on our phone. This is setting us up for major life conflicts. When things don't go our way we can't deal with disappointment. Combine this with the testosterone and ego and it won't end well.
I didn't know about the shooting until my cousin called me to let me know. I select what I watch for my own peace of mind. For me knowing bad things are happening doesn't change anything. It just plants a seed that life is not safe. The truth is life is not safe but living in fear doesn't make it any safer it just ruins every minute living in fear.
I also don't think you can stop someone who has no regard for their own life from taking as many people with them as they can. I do think between the time they become angry and the time they take action a lot of thoughts pass through their brain. Somewhere they have gotten the idea that this is the only solution. They should get what they want at any cost. Where does this idea come from?
I recently watched a magician follow a guy all day as he went about his normal errands. Each stop he either played a certain song or had someone in the store whistle the same song. At the end of the day as part of the magic act he said "think of a song but don't tell me what it is" then he had the band from the restaurant come outside and play that very song. The guy couldn't believe it.
My point is that our minds are constantly absorbing what is around us. I think that we need to guard what we casually listen to or watch. The advertisers have known this since the beginning even going as far as subliminal text during commercials. We can't ignore what is being fed to us every minute.
Today everything is instant gratification. We don't want to wait 3 seconds for something to come up on our phone. This is setting us up for major life conflicts. When things don't go our way we can't deal with disappointment. Combine this with the testosterone and ego and it won't end well.
I didn't know about the shooting until my cousin called me to let me know. I select what I watch for my own peace of mind. For me knowing bad things are happening doesn't change anything. It just plants a seed that life is not safe. The truth is life is not safe but living in fear doesn't make it any safer it just ruins every minute living in fear.
Friday, August 17, 2018
When the dust settles - Not making plans
We are heading for the home stretch with the remodel. Everything in my house is covered with a fine layer of drywall. I have decided to just wait and not try to clean until literally the dust settles. My last remodel at my other house I was in my thirties and had specific ideas about how everything should be done and how long it should take. I cleaned everyday only to find the dust there the next morning. I was a perfectionist and this set me up for a lot of disappointments and drove the people around me nuts.
This time lets say I am "more seasoned". Back then I had lost my corporate job and gone back to school. In my mind I was being supported by someone else and was trying to find my identity while earning my keep. This was pressure I was putting on myself to prove I was valuable for all that I brought to the table.
The thing I have learned is that even if you bring nothing to the table you are still valuable. You may not meet your own expectations or be popular with the people around you but you are still a human being and here on the planet and are valuable.
It is true that if you do more and be more you will have more friends and you will have a higher opinion of yourself but in the end this is just the ego getting fed. It sometimes leads us to look at other people as less valuable than ourselves or the groups that we belong to. We are special and they are not we are right and they are wrong.
It is a real trap. I think we do this so we feel safe and belong. If we do the right things with the right people then we are somehow insulated from the bad things or people out there that can hurt us. Even the idea of the after life is a safety net in case we lose someone we love or something goes wrong we can know that it will all work out in the end. I don't think we could survive without these ideas.
For myself I am focusing on today and the people that are a part of my life today this moment. The grand scheme in our heads is really just a distraction. My mind loves this kind of entertainment. The planning and scheming of my pretend future. I will have a future but it probably won't match the one in my head exactly. I have to ask myself "what am I missing today by making those plans?"
You can make plans but it is the actual act of making those plans that is enjoyable and not depending on the outcome to make you happy. Putting my happiness in the hands of a specific outcome can set me up for serious pain, Life doesn't have a plan just us. Be happy today and don't look to some future day to be happy.
I knew this remodel would not make me happy. Yes even when it is done I will love it but then my mind will be on to something else. I have enjoyed the planning and meeting the different workers coming in the house but when the dust settles I will be left with myself and what is next.
This time lets say I am "more seasoned". Back then I had lost my corporate job and gone back to school. In my mind I was being supported by someone else and was trying to find my identity while earning my keep. This was pressure I was putting on myself to prove I was valuable for all that I brought to the table.
The thing I have learned is that even if you bring nothing to the table you are still valuable. You may not meet your own expectations or be popular with the people around you but you are still a human being and here on the planet and are valuable.
It is true that if you do more and be more you will have more friends and you will have a higher opinion of yourself but in the end this is just the ego getting fed. It sometimes leads us to look at other people as less valuable than ourselves or the groups that we belong to. We are special and they are not we are right and they are wrong.
It is a real trap. I think we do this so we feel safe and belong. If we do the right things with the right people then we are somehow insulated from the bad things or people out there that can hurt us. Even the idea of the after life is a safety net in case we lose someone we love or something goes wrong we can know that it will all work out in the end. I don't think we could survive without these ideas.
For myself I am focusing on today and the people that are a part of my life today this moment. The grand scheme in our heads is really just a distraction. My mind loves this kind of entertainment. The planning and scheming of my pretend future. I will have a future but it probably won't match the one in my head exactly. I have to ask myself "what am I missing today by making those plans?"
You can make plans but it is the actual act of making those plans that is enjoyable and not depending on the outcome to make you happy. Putting my happiness in the hands of a specific outcome can set me up for serious pain, Life doesn't have a plan just us. Be happy today and don't look to some future day to be happy.
I knew this remodel would not make me happy. Yes even when it is done I will love it but then my mind will be on to something else. I have enjoyed the planning and meeting the different workers coming in the house but when the dust settles I will be left with myself and what is next.
Monday, July 30, 2018
Angry People - Seeing our true selves - Impossible
I had my house re plumbed on short notice this past week. It was one of those decision where I could wait for some point in the future when the slab started leaking or do it now while the house is a mess already. I decided to just do it while the plumber had an opening.
It has been a week of chaos with all the trades in and out of the house. It is noisy and dirty but everyone did a great job. The first day with the plumbers the guy was yelling up to the other guy in the attic in this really angry voice. He sounded so annoyed and really treated the other guy like he was and idiot. The guy in the 100+ degree attic was very pleasant and would answer back as if no that was the norm. They have worked together a long time and this was normal.
On Saturday our electrician was here and he ask me who the plumbing company sent. I could remember their names an angry guy and a tall thin guy. He said "oh the angry guy is ____ and the other guy is _________."
I have always been a people observer and wondered why others act the way they do. One time, when I was a kid, after a particular holy rolling pentecostal service I ask my mother why one of the women in the church was faking pretending to be touched by the spirit. She looked at my father and they waited a few minutes and then said "only God knows if she is pretending." I thought "it is pretty obvious so I guess just God and me." This began a lifetime of me saying the wrong things to other people.
After my stepmother came on the scene I did learn to say nothing most of the time. When I married the alcoholic keeping quiet seemed safer most of the time. I did once confront my ex's sister a particularly angry person and ask her "why are you so angry?" She was like the plumber - no matter what the words were coming out of her mouth there was anger underneath.
She had a lovely angry come back for me which I don't remember now. I knew it was about her own father I totally understood that I had been there myself. I just said "it doesn't hurt the person that you are angry at just you and your own family. He is winning." Her kids were small then and over time she softened and with every visit she seemed happier. I would like to think I got through a little bit. My ex was furious with me and said it was none of my business but I wanted to save her from the years of unhappiness that I had experienced.
I internalize my own anger and it surfaces as sadness and depression. Mostly because I am a controller and feel that I should have done something differently so the outcome in really my fault. Instead of just saying the other person hurt me and let the anger out. I try to justify the reasons for their actions and be understanding about where they are coming from. This is really putting myself last again. I feel trapped in this cycle sometimes because it makes me powerless to get past the pain.
I have endured a lot of crappy behavior from other people in my life. I have mostly believed that somehow I deserved it that something about me isn't worthy of love and respect. When I am low this is what I think about. In the end I know that I have to be loving to myself and not tie my worth to my past experiences. Thinking "I am not enough" or "I wasn't enough for ________" keeps me from feeling joy about today.
I do believe that this deeply embedded insecurity has to do with the loss of my mother. It imprinted on me that I have to be self sufficient and not trust another person to be there for me. It is from when my mother got sick and I had to fend for myself. I am comfortable on my own and when I have trusted other people they have ultimately rejected me.
Most of time I can accept where I am and do find happiness every day but when I am down and feel lonely these are the thoughts that cause my unhappiness. I tell myself I can change these beliefs that I have about myself but some days it is just where I am.
As far as angry people I doubt they know that other people see them as angry. We never know how other people perseive us. We have the story we tell ourselves about ourselves and unless someone says something to us to make us question our thoughts then it is a lifetime of suffering. I have been a hurt child on my own most of my life with only myself for feedback. Isn't that crazy.
It has been a week of chaos with all the trades in and out of the house. It is noisy and dirty but everyone did a great job. The first day with the plumbers the guy was yelling up to the other guy in the attic in this really angry voice. He sounded so annoyed and really treated the other guy like he was and idiot. The guy in the 100+ degree attic was very pleasant and would answer back as if no that was the norm. They have worked together a long time and this was normal.
On Saturday our electrician was here and he ask me who the plumbing company sent. I could remember their names an angry guy and a tall thin guy. He said "oh the angry guy is ____ and the other guy is _________."
I have always been a people observer and wondered why others act the way they do. One time, when I was a kid, after a particular holy rolling pentecostal service I ask my mother why one of the women in the church was faking pretending to be touched by the spirit. She looked at my father and they waited a few minutes and then said "only God knows if she is pretending." I thought "it is pretty obvious so I guess just God and me." This began a lifetime of me saying the wrong things to other people.
After my stepmother came on the scene I did learn to say nothing most of the time. When I married the alcoholic keeping quiet seemed safer most of the time. I did once confront my ex's sister a particularly angry person and ask her "why are you so angry?" She was like the plumber - no matter what the words were coming out of her mouth there was anger underneath.
She had a lovely angry come back for me which I don't remember now. I knew it was about her own father I totally understood that I had been there myself. I just said "it doesn't hurt the person that you are angry at just you and your own family. He is winning." Her kids were small then and over time she softened and with every visit she seemed happier. I would like to think I got through a little bit. My ex was furious with me and said it was none of my business but I wanted to save her from the years of unhappiness that I had experienced.
I internalize my own anger and it surfaces as sadness and depression. Mostly because I am a controller and feel that I should have done something differently so the outcome in really my fault. Instead of just saying the other person hurt me and let the anger out. I try to justify the reasons for their actions and be understanding about where they are coming from. This is really putting myself last again. I feel trapped in this cycle sometimes because it makes me powerless to get past the pain.
I have endured a lot of crappy behavior from other people in my life. I have mostly believed that somehow I deserved it that something about me isn't worthy of love and respect. When I am low this is what I think about. In the end I know that I have to be loving to myself and not tie my worth to my past experiences. Thinking "I am not enough" or "I wasn't enough for ________" keeps me from feeling joy about today.
I do believe that this deeply embedded insecurity has to do with the loss of my mother. It imprinted on me that I have to be self sufficient and not trust another person to be there for me. It is from when my mother got sick and I had to fend for myself. I am comfortable on my own and when I have trusted other people they have ultimately rejected me.
Most of time I can accept where I am and do find happiness every day but when I am down and feel lonely these are the thoughts that cause my unhappiness. I tell myself I can change these beliefs that I have about myself but some days it is just where I am.
As far as angry people I doubt they know that other people see them as angry. We never know how other people perseive us. We have the story we tell ourselves about ourselves and unless someone says something to us to make us question our thoughts then it is a lifetime of suffering. I have been a hurt child on my own most of my life with only myself for feedback. Isn't that crazy.
Saturday, July 21, 2018
Making plans - Spinning Plates
I should have never had the idea of taking it easy in the month of July. The universe shouted right back at me with more work than I could have imagined along with my renovation this has left me little time for anything but sleep.
I am not complaining I just think is is comical when you plan one thing and something totally different happens. This is where we get really messed up believing that we really have any control of our lives. To have a plan is definitely the way to feel safe setting out on our path with a specific goal or destination and expecting things will go our way. How we react when obstacles start popping up one by one testing our every movement forward is what really matters.
The pain is in the resistance of course not in the actual problems that arise. For me my pain is not being able to meet what I think are the expectations of others. Especially in my work you have to decide who is serious and who is just poking around the idea of doing something.
I feel mostly like I am gambling with my time and in the end my money. Who should I invest in and who has been watching too much HGTV. Business comes in clumps not a steady even stream where I have the time to address first come first serve. You have to make those choices and I hate that part but I only have 24 hours in each day.
It stresses me out when I have to choose what I can fit into the time I have available in a given day. Sometimes working on what I sense is a dead end instead of bigger more long term projects. Why would I do that? Because I am getting pressure and in order to move on I have to relieve that pressure.
I have gotten use to working like this over the years and once I have all my plates spinning I can really get a lot done. This why time away isn't good for me when I return I am resistant to people hurtling plates at me and I have resentments. Eventually I get back up to full speed and it all seems normal again.
What works for me is first not really making plans. I have specific loose goals for the day and I do my best to meet them. I tell myself that I have always worked this way and for the most part I can trust my instinct and I will get it all done. If I don't then it wasn't meant to be and I move on.
I have ask other people in my business how they deal with it and they say there is no way to meet every one's needs all the time. I am lucky that I enjoy what I do and I don't have a lot of personal commitments so I can put in the hours.
It is good to put into words that it is okay to feel overwhelmed from time to time and that it all works out if you just don't make plans.
I am not complaining I just think is is comical when you plan one thing and something totally different happens. This is where we get really messed up believing that we really have any control of our lives. To have a plan is definitely the way to feel safe setting out on our path with a specific goal or destination and expecting things will go our way. How we react when obstacles start popping up one by one testing our every movement forward is what really matters.
The pain is in the resistance of course not in the actual problems that arise. For me my pain is not being able to meet what I think are the expectations of others. Especially in my work you have to decide who is serious and who is just poking around the idea of doing something.
I feel mostly like I am gambling with my time and in the end my money. Who should I invest in and who has been watching too much HGTV. Business comes in clumps not a steady even stream where I have the time to address first come first serve. You have to make those choices and I hate that part but I only have 24 hours in each day.
It stresses me out when I have to choose what I can fit into the time I have available in a given day. Sometimes working on what I sense is a dead end instead of bigger more long term projects. Why would I do that? Because I am getting pressure and in order to move on I have to relieve that pressure.
I have gotten use to working like this over the years and once I have all my plates spinning I can really get a lot done. This why time away isn't good for me when I return I am resistant to people hurtling plates at me and I have resentments. Eventually I get back up to full speed and it all seems normal again.
What works for me is first not really making plans. I have specific loose goals for the day and I do my best to meet them. I tell myself that I have always worked this way and for the most part I can trust my instinct and I will get it all done. If I don't then it wasn't meant to be and I move on.
I have ask other people in my business how they deal with it and they say there is no way to meet every one's needs all the time. I am lucky that I enjoy what I do and I don't have a lot of personal commitments so I can put in the hours.
It is good to put into words that it is okay to feel overwhelmed from time to time and that it all works out if you just don't make plans.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
"Who cares!" - Dreams
I have been having some strange dreams lately. This morning I woke up after an old friend and I were out driving around in our pajamas's or at least I was in my pajamas when we spotted an deli with what looked liked some yummy treats. It was just a store front with everyone just standing around sampling things through a window.
I remember asking my friend "do you think they will notice I am in my pajamas?" She replied, "who cares!" When got out of the car one of the guys started treating us like real customers offering up incense sticks as a gift. His partner gave us the once over and shock his head at the other guy and he withdrew his offer. They did not speak English and I figured we were in another country.
I don't give much credence to dreams. I think they are usually a mixture of bad TV and a late dinner. If I had to interpret this one I would say that I miss my friend. She was a bit of a bully and ran off during my dive into blackness. It is of course more complicated than that. She was emotionally shut down except for anger and couldn't really relate to the profound grief I was going through losing my relationship and the life I once had.
She told me that she complained to her husband about my extended grief and he said " sure you would be over me in about five minutes." I wondered if that was true. They have split since then and I imagine that it wasn't that easy. She had what appeared to be the good life but he traveled and she was lonely. When he did come home he spent his free time at the local bars. He was really into music.
She wanted a man that was into the spiritual not the spirits. She complained to me for years about him and I suggested she go to my counselor. She did go and then they went and then he announced he wanted out. This was about the same time as out friendship ended. I always wondered if she blamed me for the push for counseling. I had heard here pain for many years and wanted her to find some relief so I don't accept the blame.
I saw my counselor a year ago and she said my friend was doing well and was very happy. I thought that it was good that she had moved on and found some happiness. I have thought of calling her but I have a hard time going back where I have already been at least willingly.
I know sometimes if I am honest I find myself repeating the past. Even if it is different places and faces the underlying theme is the same. I gravitate towards the familiar what and who feels really comfortable. I have known different versions of my father throughout my life along with a few others. I figure that is the relationships I am still working on.
In my family dreams are messages from God and are to be taken seriously. In my dream I guess I could say first come as you are and partake of every morsel offered. Don't mind the judgment of some people it only affects you if you let it. You might miss out on some freebies offered to everyone else but "who cares!"
I remember asking my friend "do you think they will notice I am in my pajamas?" She replied, "who cares!" When got out of the car one of the guys started treating us like real customers offering up incense sticks as a gift. His partner gave us the once over and shock his head at the other guy and he withdrew his offer. They did not speak English and I figured we were in another country.
I don't give much credence to dreams. I think they are usually a mixture of bad TV and a late dinner. If I had to interpret this one I would say that I miss my friend. She was a bit of a bully and ran off during my dive into blackness. It is of course more complicated than that. She was emotionally shut down except for anger and couldn't really relate to the profound grief I was going through losing my relationship and the life I once had.
She told me that she complained to her husband about my extended grief and he said " sure you would be over me in about five minutes." I wondered if that was true. They have split since then and I imagine that it wasn't that easy. She had what appeared to be the good life but he traveled and she was lonely. When he did come home he spent his free time at the local bars. He was really into music.
She wanted a man that was into the spiritual not the spirits. She complained to me for years about him and I suggested she go to my counselor. She did go and then they went and then he announced he wanted out. This was about the same time as out friendship ended. I always wondered if she blamed me for the push for counseling. I had heard here pain for many years and wanted her to find some relief so I don't accept the blame.
I saw my counselor a year ago and she said my friend was doing well and was very happy. I thought that it was good that she had moved on and found some happiness. I have thought of calling her but I have a hard time going back where I have already been at least willingly.
I know sometimes if I am honest I find myself repeating the past. Even if it is different places and faces the underlying theme is the same. I gravitate towards the familiar what and who feels really comfortable. I have known different versions of my father throughout my life along with a few others. I figure that is the relationships I am still working on.
In my family dreams are messages from God and are to be taken seriously. In my dream I guess I could say first come as you are and partake of every morsel offered. Don't mind the judgment of some people it only affects you if you let it. You might miss out on some freebies offered to everyone else but "who cares!"
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Chat with Jesus - Take what you like and leave the rest
I think it is funny that the minute I finished my post last week about how great things were going I got a phone call that started a week long crisis at work. On Tuesday I just sat in my car wondering if there was an easier less stressful way to make living. I questioned whether to go ahead with my kitchen or save the money for and earlier retirement.
Luckily by the end of the week I was over it and had accepted that this is part of my job. I ordered my cabinets yesterday and feel pretty free today. I am off this weekend and will be taking this time to relax and regroup.
I did meditate everyday this week to try to offset the massive stress I was feeling and I had one particularly interesting session. It does have a religious slant so take what you like and leave the rest. I thought it was really funny and wanted to share it with you.
I was on the water in my pontoon boat. This is where I like to be a peaceful quiet place moving slowly. The sun is bright and reflecting on the water it isn't too warm maybe late spring. There is canopy over the boat so the table I am sitting at is in the shade. I am sitting there and suddenly Jesus appears. I said to him " wow you are so beautiful" he said " yes I look like the picture that your grandmother had of me in her front room." He was right he was the Jesus from that halo gram picture in my grandmothers house the one with the big gold frame with it's own special light. She had gotten it from one of her donations to a TV ministry.
We talked about my recent decision to take care of myself and my own life and focusing on my own joy. He told me that I had helped a lot of people in ways that I would never really know. That I had taken care of other people most of my life and that it was okay to enjoy what is left of my own life. I told him sometimes I am lonely and he said that when he was here he was lonely too even when surrounded by people all the time.
While talking I noticed that he was wearing heavy robes (like the picture) I said "aren't you hot in those robes" He said "I am not a person." That was it the end of my talk with Jesus.
You can say what you like about this little episode but it helped me. Maybe it was me talking to me or maybe something more. Until that moment I hadn't thought about that picture of Jesus at my grandmothers house since I was an adult. He was beautiful long flowing dark hair with highlights the sun shining on his face. My grandmother was a serious believer and prayed about everything. She even prayed the bugs away from her old early 1900's house. I have to admit she didn't have bugs.
I try not to put limitations on my own beliefs and the beliefs of others. If something works for you and it brings you peace then whose to question that. I do think that religion can sometimes close you off from the fact that we are all the same. We suffer when we lose someone we love or when we watch the people we love self destruct. We all feel helpless and lonely sometimes even when we are with other people.
I spoke to a woman this week that is really into finding the right religious group. She also said her mother died when she was 12. I told her about my own mother's death and how it can really mess you up and you can spend a lifetime searching for security that doesn't exist. Being the group that is going to heaven makes you feel secure but you can miss out on the joy that is in your life every day. The search feels valid but it can be a distraction from real life.
Maybe that was too much but I felt like I had to say it. It is my "testimony" as they would say in the church of my childhood. Again "take what you like and leave the rest."
Luckily by the end of the week I was over it and had accepted that this is part of my job. I ordered my cabinets yesterday and feel pretty free today. I am off this weekend and will be taking this time to relax and regroup.
I did meditate everyday this week to try to offset the massive stress I was feeling and I had one particularly interesting session. It does have a religious slant so take what you like and leave the rest. I thought it was really funny and wanted to share it with you.
I was on the water in my pontoon boat. This is where I like to be a peaceful quiet place moving slowly. The sun is bright and reflecting on the water it isn't too warm maybe late spring. There is canopy over the boat so the table I am sitting at is in the shade. I am sitting there and suddenly Jesus appears. I said to him " wow you are so beautiful" he said " yes I look like the picture that your grandmother had of me in her front room." He was right he was the Jesus from that halo gram picture in my grandmothers house the one with the big gold frame with it's own special light. She had gotten it from one of her donations to a TV ministry.
We talked about my recent decision to take care of myself and my own life and focusing on my own joy. He told me that I had helped a lot of people in ways that I would never really know. That I had taken care of other people most of my life and that it was okay to enjoy what is left of my own life. I told him sometimes I am lonely and he said that when he was here he was lonely too even when surrounded by people all the time.
While talking I noticed that he was wearing heavy robes (like the picture) I said "aren't you hot in those robes" He said "I am not a person." That was it the end of my talk with Jesus.
You can say what you like about this little episode but it helped me. Maybe it was me talking to me or maybe something more. Until that moment I hadn't thought about that picture of Jesus at my grandmothers house since I was an adult. He was beautiful long flowing dark hair with highlights the sun shining on his face. My grandmother was a serious believer and prayed about everything. She even prayed the bugs away from her old early 1900's house. I have to admit she didn't have bugs.
I try not to put limitations on my own beliefs and the beliefs of others. If something works for you and it brings you peace then whose to question that. I do think that religion can sometimes close you off from the fact that we are all the same. We suffer when we lose someone we love or when we watch the people we love self destruct. We all feel helpless and lonely sometimes even when we are with other people.
I spoke to a woman this week that is really into finding the right religious group. She also said her mother died when she was 12. I told her about my own mother's death and how it can really mess you up and you can spend a lifetime searching for security that doesn't exist. Being the group that is going to heaven makes you feel secure but you can miss out on the joy that is in your life every day. The search feels valid but it can be a distraction from real life.
Maybe that was too much but I felt like I had to say it. It is my "testimony" as they would say in the church of my childhood. Again "take what you like and leave the rest."
Thursday, June 14, 2018
No one to blame - Not even me - Work versus play - flow
There has been a slight lull in the action on the work front so I am taking the opportunity to reflect on the overall state of my life. I spent a few hours of my work day this week purging the millions of files that represent both real customers and those just wanting the numbers. I use to take this personally especially if I have a connection with someone I really want to do the job.
I have reached the five year mark at my place of business and have matured considerably since I have been there. I have to say the I don't get too attached to people or the prospect of a particular job. I realize that people have there own agenda and are working through the process themselves. What they dream of having and what they are willing to pay for that dream.
I believe that I get the jobs I am suppose to get. I look at life through spiritual eyes and know that it is all working towards something. Okay that sounds good but it isn't really true. I really believe that life is random and you just have to stay in the flow of things with the least resistance possible.
When I am pushing or wanting a particular outcome and it just isn't working I need to step back and ask myself "why is this so important to you? - Is it life or death? - Is the outcome more about satisfying your ego's need to get something?" I think that most of the time I am trying to keep up the reputation I have given myself. What would a hard worker do or a kind person do? Maintaining an image I have of myself.
This isn't something you do consciously it is more a way to label yourself better than the average person. A higher standard for yourself and it also gives you the opportunity to judge other people for not being at the same level. I use to be so indignant about the actions of others and felt because I worked so hard and others decided to spend there time having fun that somehow my choice was better. Do I really know that? I am a person that likes work more than I like play.
The reality is that it is just a choice. Life is just choices we make everyday that sometimes work and sometimes don't. We can't do anything about the random events of life we can just decide what our choice will be each moment with every situation.
At work I have the reputation of having more high maintenance customers. I have great customers for the most part but that doesn't mean they don't challenge me sometimes but I know it isn't personal. Their lives have made them who they are and I am just working with them temporarily. They don't know how they are perceived none of us do. It isn't my place to change them.
We are all trapped in our own description of ourselves. Our mind is always working to maintain who we believe we are everyday. I fill lucky that I have been given the opportunity to question the reality of the thoughts I have about myself and know the thoughts aren't real just thoughts.
This helps me to know I don't have to be so serious about everything. I don't have to have someone to blame if something isn't going the way I wanted it to. I can just work on what is on my plate for today and be kind to others as they figure things out for themselves.
Most people go through life unconscious thinking that they are a victim of their circumstances. This is just who they are and nothing can be done about it. I used to think like that and sometimes wish I could be that girl before I took the bite of apple. But once you see you can't unsee - once you know you can't unknow. It is scary to have no one to blame not even yourself.
People are suffering and dealing with the life they have been given. Working through the good surprises and the bad surprises life is always dishing out. It would be nice if we could control this but believing we can is exhausting and devastating when something bad happens. Staying in the flow without saying "why me?" can avoid a lot pain. Knowing it isn't any one's fault it is just life is freedom.
I have reached the five year mark at my place of business and have matured considerably since I have been there. I have to say the I don't get too attached to people or the prospect of a particular job. I realize that people have there own agenda and are working through the process themselves. What they dream of having and what they are willing to pay for that dream.
I believe that I get the jobs I am suppose to get. I look at life through spiritual eyes and know that it is all working towards something. Okay that sounds good but it isn't really true. I really believe that life is random and you just have to stay in the flow of things with the least resistance possible.
When I am pushing or wanting a particular outcome and it just isn't working I need to step back and ask myself "why is this so important to you? - Is it life or death? - Is the outcome more about satisfying your ego's need to get something?" I think that most of the time I am trying to keep up the reputation I have given myself. What would a hard worker do or a kind person do? Maintaining an image I have of myself.
This isn't something you do consciously it is more a way to label yourself better than the average person. A higher standard for yourself and it also gives you the opportunity to judge other people for not being at the same level. I use to be so indignant about the actions of others and felt because I worked so hard and others decided to spend there time having fun that somehow my choice was better. Do I really know that? I am a person that likes work more than I like play.
The reality is that it is just a choice. Life is just choices we make everyday that sometimes work and sometimes don't. We can't do anything about the random events of life we can just decide what our choice will be each moment with every situation.
At work I have the reputation of having more high maintenance customers. I have great customers for the most part but that doesn't mean they don't challenge me sometimes but I know it isn't personal. Their lives have made them who they are and I am just working with them temporarily. They don't know how they are perceived none of us do. It isn't my place to change them.
We are all trapped in our own description of ourselves. Our mind is always working to maintain who we believe we are everyday. I fill lucky that I have been given the opportunity to question the reality of the thoughts I have about myself and know the thoughts aren't real just thoughts.
This helps me to know I don't have to be so serious about everything. I don't have to have someone to blame if something isn't going the way I wanted it to. I can just work on what is on my plate for today and be kind to others as they figure things out for themselves.
Most people go through life unconscious thinking that they are a victim of their circumstances. This is just who they are and nothing can be done about it. I used to think like that and sometimes wish I could be that girl before I took the bite of apple. But once you see you can't unsee - once you know you can't unknow. It is scary to have no one to blame not even yourself.
People are suffering and dealing with the life they have been given. Working through the good surprises and the bad surprises life is always dishing out. It would be nice if we could control this but believing we can is exhausting and devastating when something bad happens. Staying in the flow without saying "why me?" can avoid a lot pain. Knowing it isn't any one's fault it is just life is freedom.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
Depression - Suicide - Feeling nothing
With the conversation of suicide everywhere this week it is hard to ignore. You hear that it is so selfish and why would a person with seemingly everything end there life? I am not a mental health expert and I can only share my own experience with depression and thoughts of suicide.
For me I felt so bad for so long that the thought that I had to face another day feeling the same way made me want to end my life. The truth is I didn't feel bad I felt nothing for what felt like years. I had experienced depression and grief since I was in my early teens but at those times I could connect the sadness and grief to something. The death of my mother - the harsh treatment of me by my family - when my husband left. These are obvious moments that required grief and I knew they would end. The last time when it hit me it started out as grief but it never left me.
Our minds and bodies can go against us. In the world of recovery the meetings help to root the really screwed of thinking we have when we get there. The steps simplify our view on life giving us the space to step get out of our heads and listen to what works for other people. The program saved me mainly by giving me a place to escape from myself and helped me to stop blaming myself for everything. It didn' work this time.
What my last experience taught me was that sometimes you can go so low that your mind will not let anyone in and if you are in a program and you are suppose to be further along people don't recognize the pain behind the mask. By this time you are the one giving support and not being supported.
It is those that talk a great talk that will suffer in silence until something breaks. The ego is reluctant to step out of the lime light and say to another person "hey I don't want to live anymore. Is that normal?"
You can never know what is in the mind of another person. These days people post such happy things on social media and we want to believe that their lives are great. It is a cover maybe even for the person putting it out there. In my life people ran and I didn't blame them. I wanted to run too but had no place to go.
I think for myself looking back now I did tell some people but it was so out of character for me I don't think they understood how bad it was. How could they? What saved me besides grace was this blog for one and the idea if I wanted to end my life I could choose to do it tomorrow. Giving myself 24 hour increments until eventually I felt better.
I wanted to be free from -- Feeling Nothing. I do want to add that I found out later that medically I some serious thyroid problems on top of menopause and the loss of the life I use to have. I call it the perfect storm. I always believed that talk therapy solved most emotional problems but today I think that the body and what I am feeding it affects my mental state more than I want to admit.
When your depressed you don't eat or you eat sugar and fat. Your brain has nothing to work with. When you are down you aren't really interested in taking care of yourself you aren't interested in anything. That is the point - that is real depression. You just want out and sadly you aren't rational enough to value your presents on this earth. You just want to feel better and see no options.
For me I felt so bad for so long that the thought that I had to face another day feeling the same way made me want to end my life. The truth is I didn't feel bad I felt nothing for what felt like years. I had experienced depression and grief since I was in my early teens but at those times I could connect the sadness and grief to something. The death of my mother - the harsh treatment of me by my family - when my husband left. These are obvious moments that required grief and I knew they would end. The last time when it hit me it started out as grief but it never left me.
Our minds and bodies can go against us. In the world of recovery the meetings help to root the really screwed of thinking we have when we get there. The steps simplify our view on life giving us the space to step get out of our heads and listen to what works for other people. The program saved me mainly by giving me a place to escape from myself and helped me to stop blaming myself for everything. It didn' work this time.
What my last experience taught me was that sometimes you can go so low that your mind will not let anyone in and if you are in a program and you are suppose to be further along people don't recognize the pain behind the mask. By this time you are the one giving support and not being supported.
It is those that talk a great talk that will suffer in silence until something breaks. The ego is reluctant to step out of the lime light and say to another person "hey I don't want to live anymore. Is that normal?"
You can never know what is in the mind of another person. These days people post such happy things on social media and we want to believe that their lives are great. It is a cover maybe even for the person putting it out there. In my life people ran and I didn't blame them. I wanted to run too but had no place to go.
I think for myself looking back now I did tell some people but it was so out of character for me I don't think they understood how bad it was. How could they? What saved me besides grace was this blog for one and the idea if I wanted to end my life I could choose to do it tomorrow. Giving myself 24 hour increments until eventually I felt better.
I wanted to be free from -- Feeling Nothing. I do want to add that I found out later that medically I some serious thyroid problems on top of menopause and the loss of the life I use to have. I call it the perfect storm. I always believed that talk therapy solved most emotional problems but today I think that the body and what I am feeding it affects my mental state more than I want to admit.
When your depressed you don't eat or you eat sugar and fat. Your brain has nothing to work with. When you are down you aren't really interested in taking care of yourself you aren't interested in anything. That is the point - that is real depression. You just want out and sadly you aren't rational enough to value your presents on this earth. You just want to feel better and see no options.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Creative Chaos - The destination will only make me happy for a moment
It has been a good week. I finished staining my 50 - ten foot boards for my ceiling and the guy came and installed everything in two days. The transformation was like a miracle in the construction world. He is going to paint the room next week and help me with my kitchen remodel.
I feel free right now like haven't felt before taking time to take care of my own life. This won't last but with the holiday weekend everyone is focused on family and friends and not on renovations. They closed the showroom early yesterday because it was so dead. Our team was off so it really didn't matter that much to me.
I worked around the house yesterday weeding my flower beds and power washing my deck. Both long over due because of my focus on the fifty boards. As a part of managing my ADD and OCD when I commit to something I put blinders on to anything and everything else. This works but when you come up for air after the main task is completed then you have to address the fall out.
I have accepted that this is the way I operate. I am not a clean as you go person not because it isn't a great idea but because once I start cleaning I lose myself in that task instead of the main event. When I was younger I chose not to start anything because I knew if I could focus on it 100% for as long as I wanted to make it perfect then I would rather not start it at all.
I lived my life paralyzed by all that needed to be done and my lack of ability to do it all perfectly. I never met my own standard of perfection. I learned to let go mainly because I was miserable all the time. I couldn't be perfect and no one around me met my perfection standards either. I didn't accept help from others because they didn't do it with the same precision I did. A no win situation.
This last part is really mental or chemical I think. I think some of us have the predisposition to perfection magnified by events in our lives that push us into a desperate need to control. I remember sitting inside a base kitchen cabinet lining up my mother's can goods in neat rows tallest to shortest. Grouping like items together and the frustration of some odd item not fitting the standard. I still do this every once in a while even though I can't fit inside a cabinet.
This was before my mother died when life was good. The process soothed me then and still does. There is an order to everything but nothing ever stays in order life is messy people die people leave so many things are out of control. When my mother died I went into my childish room and threw everything away. It had been creative chaos up until that point but I needed control so it all had to go.
Every part of my life right now is creative chaos. I have accepted that this is a natural state of life. I have my blinders on and can be okay with the mess. I also know that I will enjoy the process of organizing it all in the end when I am ready. I don't devote hours beating myself up for not being neat and instead look forward to putting it all back together. I love a good before and after - who doesn't.
My mind use to be in chaos and my space was neat but now the opposite is true and I can be content where ever I am in the process. The process part is real living and being engaged in doing instead of thinking that the destination will make me happy. I finally get that after a lifetime. The satisfaction of completion is fleeting but the planning and process can go on for as long as you want. Savoring every minute until it stops being fun.
I have to admit sanding, staining and top coating stopped being fun after the second full day and I had to think about the destination to keep working. Once I am committed I have to finish or at least this is the way I see myself as a finisher. Although I didn't think my staining job was good enough while I was doing it, of course, it turned out beautiful and I am thrilled.
I feel free right now like haven't felt before taking time to take care of my own life. This won't last but with the holiday weekend everyone is focused on family and friends and not on renovations. They closed the showroom early yesterday because it was so dead. Our team was off so it really didn't matter that much to me.
I worked around the house yesterday weeding my flower beds and power washing my deck. Both long over due because of my focus on the fifty boards. As a part of managing my ADD and OCD when I commit to something I put blinders on to anything and everything else. This works but when you come up for air after the main task is completed then you have to address the fall out.
I have accepted that this is the way I operate. I am not a clean as you go person not because it isn't a great idea but because once I start cleaning I lose myself in that task instead of the main event. When I was younger I chose not to start anything because I knew if I could focus on it 100% for as long as I wanted to make it perfect then I would rather not start it at all.
I lived my life paralyzed by all that needed to be done and my lack of ability to do it all perfectly. I never met my own standard of perfection. I learned to let go mainly because I was miserable all the time. I couldn't be perfect and no one around me met my perfection standards either. I didn't accept help from others because they didn't do it with the same precision I did. A no win situation.
This last part is really mental or chemical I think. I think some of us have the predisposition to perfection magnified by events in our lives that push us into a desperate need to control. I remember sitting inside a base kitchen cabinet lining up my mother's can goods in neat rows tallest to shortest. Grouping like items together and the frustration of some odd item not fitting the standard. I still do this every once in a while even though I can't fit inside a cabinet.
This was before my mother died when life was good. The process soothed me then and still does. There is an order to everything but nothing ever stays in order life is messy people die people leave so many things are out of control. When my mother died I went into my childish room and threw everything away. It had been creative chaos up until that point but I needed control so it all had to go.
Every part of my life right now is creative chaos. I have accepted that this is a natural state of life. I have my blinders on and can be okay with the mess. I also know that I will enjoy the process of organizing it all in the end when I am ready. I don't devote hours beating myself up for not being neat and instead look forward to putting it all back together. I love a good before and after - who doesn't.
My mind use to be in chaos and my space was neat but now the opposite is true and I can be content where ever I am in the process. The process part is real living and being engaged in doing instead of thinking that the destination will make me happy. I finally get that after a lifetime. The satisfaction of completion is fleeting but the planning and process can go on for as long as you want. Savoring every minute until it stops being fun.
I have to admit sanding, staining and top coating stopped being fun after the second full day and I had to think about the destination to keep working. Once I am committed I have to finish or at least this is the way I see myself as a finisher. Although I didn't think my staining job was good enough while I was doing it, of course, it turned out beautiful and I am thrilled.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Homemade Wine and death
My neighbor passed away a few hours ago. He was in his late 70's or early 80's I think and has had serious heart problems the last ten years I have lived here. We spent one afternoon together after he saw me on my porch and yelled out "do you want a bottle of wine?" I said sure. It seemed like only seconds and he was at my front door.
I was in the depths of my depression and isolation and definitely was not thinking about having visitors but there I was on the porch with him. He apparently made homemade wine. I knew he was a retired acupuncturist so I asked him why he chose that. He said he had worked for the DOW company and heard there was a lot of money in acupuncture in Florida. Not exactly what I expected him to say about his chosen field.
We went on to talk about my obvious mental problems and menopause. He shared with me that his ex wife went through the same thing and left him. When it was over she said she was sorry and wanted to come back. He was already engaged to my other neighbor so by that time it was too late.
I always thought I would get to know them better because his wife is very politically active and had the only Hillary sign in the neighborhood. She has worked for non-profits her whole life and has an amazing track record for fighting for people that need help. A friendship has not worked out mainly because I have had my own issues.
Today I am staining a ceilings worth of cypress wood that a guy is suppose to install next week. The boards are laying across three saw horses in my driveway. I have been sanding and staining all morning and now the hearse has arrived to take the body away. Very awkward me with my giant face respirator out sanding while they are dealing with death. I have retreated to write this while the body is being taken away.
As far as I know we can't avoid death. It is something we will all face. I am not afraid of it and really feel that people are lucky if they have had a long life and in the end they had the people they loved beside them. Just having people that love you is something not everyone has. Experiencing death so young I think that it made realize nothing is guaranteed. I was thrilled to get past 41 the age my mother died. I had no idea just how young she was.
Grief is hard and cannot be avoided but it is part of the celebration of some one's life. You loved them and they meant something to you. It can feel like a warm blanket if you don't resist. Nobody understands what you are going through until they experience it themselves. Everyone goes back to there lives after two weeks and you are left to lay down with the grief and deal with it your own way.
In my experience it takes three years to come back to life when you lose someone you love. You get back to life quicker than that but it still lingers in the back ground. Be kind to yourself if you have lost someone or even if you have lost a dream. It is okay not to get past it in record time. It means that it was important to you and worth the sadness.
To my neighbor who left us today. You brought love to the people that loved you and they will celebrate their loss with grief and maybe some homemade wine.
I was in the depths of my depression and isolation and definitely was not thinking about having visitors but there I was on the porch with him. He apparently made homemade wine. I knew he was a retired acupuncturist so I asked him why he chose that. He said he had worked for the DOW company and heard there was a lot of money in acupuncture in Florida. Not exactly what I expected him to say about his chosen field.
We went on to talk about my obvious mental problems and menopause. He shared with me that his ex wife went through the same thing and left him. When it was over she said she was sorry and wanted to come back. He was already engaged to my other neighbor so by that time it was too late.
I always thought I would get to know them better because his wife is very politically active and had the only Hillary sign in the neighborhood. She has worked for non-profits her whole life and has an amazing track record for fighting for people that need help. A friendship has not worked out mainly because I have had my own issues.
Today I am staining a ceilings worth of cypress wood that a guy is suppose to install next week. The boards are laying across three saw horses in my driveway. I have been sanding and staining all morning and now the hearse has arrived to take the body away. Very awkward me with my giant face respirator out sanding while they are dealing with death. I have retreated to write this while the body is being taken away.
As far as I know we can't avoid death. It is something we will all face. I am not afraid of it and really feel that people are lucky if they have had a long life and in the end they had the people they loved beside them. Just having people that love you is something not everyone has. Experiencing death so young I think that it made realize nothing is guaranteed. I was thrilled to get past 41 the age my mother died. I had no idea just how young she was.
Grief is hard and cannot be avoided but it is part of the celebration of some one's life. You loved them and they meant something to you. It can feel like a warm blanket if you don't resist. Nobody understands what you are going through until they experience it themselves. Everyone goes back to there lives after two weeks and you are left to lay down with the grief and deal with it your own way.
In my experience it takes three years to come back to life when you lose someone you love. You get back to life quicker than that but it still lingers in the back ground. Be kind to yourself if you have lost someone or even if you have lost a dream. It is okay not to get past it in record time. It means that it was important to you and worth the sadness.
To my neighbor who left us today. You brought love to the people that loved you and they will celebrate their loss with grief and maybe some homemade wine.
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Rejection - Excited - Horoscopes
I have been very busy. Has there ever been a time I haven't said that here I guess in truth I like busy. After the years of depression and recession both mentally and financially I have found a freedom that I really thought was not possible. I feel actually excited about the future instead of indifferent.
What has changed? My analytical mind really wants to spend a lot of time pondering that question. Really a lot has happened. It has been 10 years. Don't let that number scare you it is really only 3650 consecutive day give or take a few dozen that may or may not have meaning. Even though none of the days individually really seemed so significant together they accomplished a transformation.
What I have believed my entire adolescent and adult life is that there was something about me that made me unlovable. This has been the core of my belief. I have been loved by many actually but in the end I was left for someone else. Someone better I assumed. I am a take charge practical person so I thought "I will make myself a better person" and I went on a lifetime journey of improvement.
Where did I get this idea ? After my mother died and left me at eleven I was left to parent myself. I know you guys are probably sick of hearing this but for anyone that loses their mother early they are really messed up. My dad was left us emotionally and was engaged to two different women and married with in 6 months. "Run Daddy run!"
Lets just say that I was on my own to sort out a lot of things. In my child's mind I was a bad kid with ADD. I was not medicated and my mother whipped me a lot to try to correct this problem. They offered my parents medication to solve the problem but the idea of that was rejected. It might hurt me in some way. Really? When she got sick everything shifted to saving her and the pressure was off. Subtract two and a half years from ll and you have a person that is eight and a half running the show.
Where did I get advice on how life was suppose to be and how to make good decisions. I got advice from the person I trusted the most "me". I was available 24/7 and was always willing to listen to all sides of the story and work it all out. In my teens I relied on Linda Goodmans Sun Signs. In my house this represented the devil and my stepmother found my copy under my mattress and I was put on restriction for a month.
I needed some kind of positive feedback from somewhere. My stepmother is (still alive) a very critical person and she has cut many people, that she is suppose to love, to the bone. It was worse for me because I was not one of the people she loved. I felt she hated me me. Now I think she didn't give me much thought at all she isn't that deep. My sister says she has changed but I couldn't detect that the last time I saw her. Sitting next to her at the baby shower I wanted to "Hey. Did you know your selfishness and lack of maturity really changed the course of my life?" I left home at 16 the best decision of my life - Still.
So what my point of regurgitating this crap again? My point is that because I had to raise myself it has taken me a long time to see that the way the people that are suppose to love you treat you isn't at all about you. Yes us Virgos can be critical (mostly of ourselves) but we bring a lot to the table. We take care of things. We make things run smoothly and taste good. When we decide something or someone is worthy of our focus we are all in and ask for nothing in return. We don't don't do it for the accolades we do it because we love you and know we can make any situation better.
In our selflessness we appear invisible which is fine with us. We are under appreciated by even ourselves and no one sees our value until we are gone. The last part is what I hope anyway.
I been have invested in a lot things and people in my life and have felt really undervalued. I have been left by ever person that I have loved and that I thought loved me. In my mind I am still that ADD girl that made her mother sick because I couldn't act right. I have always been a problem and not worth a long term investment. This is what the eight year thinks.
I know it isn't true and I argue with her about this when I am sad and lonely. Our relationship has change over the years and recently I have convinced her that we need to invest in our own happiness for a change and stop thinking we caused the rejection.
Overall we have done a good job parenting ourselves. We have made mistakes and we have been slow to learn sometimes but we have come out on top. We have loved and have made a difference in the lives we have touched even if we don't exactly how. This isn't our business. We have done best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough.
I want to thank all those folks writing horoscopes out there. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you something good about yourself. Today I look for God's message everywhere I go and from anyone that crosses my path. I always say " it is the message not the messenger." Take what you like and leave the rest.
There is healing available no matter what your eight year old might say to you. You are worth the investment and never give up.
What has changed? My analytical mind really wants to spend a lot of time pondering that question. Really a lot has happened. It has been 10 years. Don't let that number scare you it is really only 3650 consecutive day give or take a few dozen that may or may not have meaning. Even though none of the days individually really seemed so significant together they accomplished a transformation.
What I have believed my entire adolescent and adult life is that there was something about me that made me unlovable. This has been the core of my belief. I have been loved by many actually but in the end I was left for someone else. Someone better I assumed. I am a take charge practical person so I thought "I will make myself a better person" and I went on a lifetime journey of improvement.
Where did I get this idea ? After my mother died and left me at eleven I was left to parent myself. I know you guys are probably sick of hearing this but for anyone that loses their mother early they are really messed up. My dad was left us emotionally and was engaged to two different women and married with in 6 months. "Run Daddy run!"
Lets just say that I was on my own to sort out a lot of things. In my child's mind I was a bad kid with ADD. I was not medicated and my mother whipped me a lot to try to correct this problem. They offered my parents medication to solve the problem but the idea of that was rejected. It might hurt me in some way. Really? When she got sick everything shifted to saving her and the pressure was off. Subtract two and a half years from ll and you have a person that is eight and a half running the show.
Where did I get advice on how life was suppose to be and how to make good decisions. I got advice from the person I trusted the most "me". I was available 24/7 and was always willing to listen to all sides of the story and work it all out. In my teens I relied on Linda Goodmans Sun Signs. In my house this represented the devil and my stepmother found my copy under my mattress and I was put on restriction for a month.
I needed some kind of positive feedback from somewhere. My stepmother is (still alive) a very critical person and she has cut many people, that she is suppose to love, to the bone. It was worse for me because I was not one of the people she loved. I felt she hated me me. Now I think she didn't give me much thought at all she isn't that deep. My sister says she has changed but I couldn't detect that the last time I saw her. Sitting next to her at the baby shower I wanted to "Hey. Did you know your selfishness and lack of maturity really changed the course of my life?" I left home at 16 the best decision of my life - Still.
So what my point of regurgitating this crap again? My point is that because I had to raise myself it has taken me a long time to see that the way the people that are suppose to love you treat you isn't at all about you. Yes us Virgos can be critical (mostly of ourselves) but we bring a lot to the table. We take care of things. We make things run smoothly and taste good. When we decide something or someone is worthy of our focus we are all in and ask for nothing in return. We don't don't do it for the accolades we do it because we love you and know we can make any situation better.
In our selflessness we appear invisible which is fine with us. We are under appreciated by even ourselves and no one sees our value until we are gone. The last part is what I hope anyway.
I been have invested in a lot things and people in my life and have felt really undervalued. I have been left by ever person that I have loved and that I thought loved me. In my mind I am still that ADD girl that made her mother sick because I couldn't act right. I have always been a problem and not worth a long term investment. This is what the eight year thinks.
I know it isn't true and I argue with her about this when I am sad and lonely. Our relationship has change over the years and recently I have convinced her that we need to invest in our own happiness for a change and stop thinking we caused the rejection.
Overall we have done a good job parenting ourselves. We have made mistakes and we have been slow to learn sometimes but we have come out on top. We have loved and have made a difference in the lives we have touched even if we don't exactly how. This isn't our business. We have done best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough.
I want to thank all those folks writing horoscopes out there. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you something good about yourself. Today I look for God's message everywhere I go and from anyone that crosses my path. I always say " it is the message not the messenger." Take what you like and leave the rest.
There is healing available no matter what your eight year old might say to you. You are worth the investment and never give up.
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Better at tearing things up than putting them together
Once when I was around 18 I took an aptitude test at our local college. It was suppose to tell you what you would be good at. We had a manual dexterity test where you draw lines between dot and the straighter the lines the better manual dexterity you had. You need this for skilled movement such as typing. They said I had no manual dexterity. No big surprise what bore connecting the dots.
The next test was a picture of different size and shaped boxes laid flat. You had to pick the assembled picture that you thought matched the flat picture. I got five out of five. They were surprised because usually only men get these right. This was the early 80's practically caveman thinking. They did add that I am probably better at tearing things apart than putting things back together. Based on what?
In the end they said I should be a lawyer, manager or architect. I laugh about that now because early on I was in the Title business which is mostly reveiwing legal document then was a mortgage manager for ten years and now a designer. All completely by accident really. Not really.
I did take typing in high school which I was terrible at barely getting a "C" I knew I would never be some one's assistant. Of course it turned out to be one of the most practical skills I have ever learned. Using it right now.
I was thinking about the tearing up part last week while I was building stuff in my garage. I have always enjoyed making things even if the finish product isn't perfect. My job is so mental I create things and other people make them happen. It feels good to do the physical act of building something. Having an idea and making it come to life.
It isn't typically a girl thing to build stuff but I have have always challenged those lines in the sand in many areas of my life. I find if you just go about your business acting like there is no barriers then people just accept you they way you are. If you don't expect opposition then you seem less threatening to those that want to stop you.
There will be oppositions for sure but bracing yourself for it zaps your energy and they win. It is never really personal it is just people bringing there own fears to the table. I have been too busy doing my own thing to consider that other people might have a problem with it.
I have always wanted to fit in but I was never willing to do what it took to get there. I had my own ideas and plans and never accepted the limitations put upon me. I am just now starting to appreciate the things I have accomplished and the person I am. Even if I am better at tearing things up then putting things back together.
The next test was a picture of different size and shaped boxes laid flat. You had to pick the assembled picture that you thought matched the flat picture. I got five out of five. They were surprised because usually only men get these right. This was the early 80's practically caveman thinking. They did add that I am probably better at tearing things apart than putting things back together. Based on what?
In the end they said I should be a lawyer, manager or architect. I laugh about that now because early on I was in the Title business which is mostly reveiwing legal document then was a mortgage manager for ten years and now a designer. All completely by accident really. Not really.
I did take typing in high school which I was terrible at barely getting a "C" I knew I would never be some one's assistant. Of course it turned out to be one of the most practical skills I have ever learned. Using it right now.
I was thinking about the tearing up part last week while I was building stuff in my garage. I have always enjoyed making things even if the finish product isn't perfect. My job is so mental I create things and other people make them happen. It feels good to do the physical act of building something. Having an idea and making it come to life.
It isn't typically a girl thing to build stuff but I have have always challenged those lines in the sand in many areas of my life. I find if you just go about your business acting like there is no barriers then people just accept you they way you are. If you don't expect opposition then you seem less threatening to those that want to stop you.
There will be oppositions for sure but bracing yourself for it zaps your energy and they win. It is never really personal it is just people bringing there own fears to the table. I have been too busy doing my own thing to consider that other people might have a problem with it.
I have always wanted to fit in but I was never willing to do what it took to get there. I had my own ideas and plans and never accepted the limitations put upon me. I am just now starting to appreciate the things I have accomplished and the person I am. Even if I am better at tearing things up then putting things back together.
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Saying goodbye - Permission to go
A friend of mine just called to let me know her mother passed away yesterday after a long struggle with some form of dementia not diagnosed as Alzheimer's. She has been in a group home for over a year after keeping at home became impossible. My friend had to fight her brothers over the idea of strangers taking care of their mother. Her and her sister were the ones seeing her every day and the fact that she was not eating and becoming less and less lucid.
The past few months they have felt the end was near and had been making burial arrangements. My friend celebrated her own birthday a few weeks ago and they decided to have the kids meet and celebrate at the facility. We had talked about this a few months back after her mother was asking about her brother. Until then he hadn't wanted to visit her there. We thought maybe she needed closure before moving on. She had a good day that day and did recognized everyone.
It did remind me of when my aunt died. She was sick with a lot of different things including dementia. She spent the last few years of her life in her living room first in a chair and then the last few months in a hospital bed set up there. She was the oldest of nine kids and the last one to pass. She wasn't a nice person and damaged just about anyone that came close her except me. In the end it was just myself and her caregiver.
I think she found peace before she passed and during our last visit she said she was seeing Jesus and the other passed relatives like her sister's ex husband who had been gone since the late 70's.
Her caregiver was her favorite person then me. I think I knew too much about the pain she had caused so many people. When the caregiver called and said she was in a lot of pain and she couldn't understand why she wasn't letting go we discussed what the secret hospice pamphlet said about closure in the end. How the dying want to say goodbye. They want to make things right and they won't go until they feel everyone is okay with it.
At the end of the conversation it dawned on me that it was the caregiver she was hanging on for. At the time the caregiver was in her early 50's and her own husband had passed suddenly of a heart attack. She was in grief when she took the job with my aunt it was her whole life. She stayed 24/7 the last few weeks and I was glad she wanted to do it. I said to her on the phone "she is waiting for you to give her permission to go" she thought that was nuts. She said "I told her she could go that I would be alright" I said "but you have got to mean it."
We hung up and I got in my car to go over there and she called. She is gone she said. She told me she went in there and said "I will be alright if you go I promise." I was shocked at the news. I had no idea she was going to do it right then.
Having dealt with the deaf of my mother at 11 it is not so scary to me. I do believe there is more than just this life at least for our spirit. I am not sure about streets of gold but some place that is easier than this life sometimes turns out to be. No one but me and the caregiver came to my aunts funeral. It seemed appropriate since we were the people that took care her in the end.
When I got the call today I could hear the sadness and relief in my friends voice. She has been grieving her mother's death for years but there will be more. It seems that grief is never quite finished with you. At least her mother will have a large family with great great grandchildren celebrating her life. She was loved and will be missed.
The past few months they have felt the end was near and had been making burial arrangements. My friend celebrated her own birthday a few weeks ago and they decided to have the kids meet and celebrate at the facility. We had talked about this a few months back after her mother was asking about her brother. Until then he hadn't wanted to visit her there. We thought maybe she needed closure before moving on. She had a good day that day and did recognized everyone.
It did remind me of when my aunt died. She was sick with a lot of different things including dementia. She spent the last few years of her life in her living room first in a chair and then the last few months in a hospital bed set up there. She was the oldest of nine kids and the last one to pass. She wasn't a nice person and damaged just about anyone that came close her except me. In the end it was just myself and her caregiver.
I think she found peace before she passed and during our last visit she said she was seeing Jesus and the other passed relatives like her sister's ex husband who had been gone since the late 70's.
Her caregiver was her favorite person then me. I think I knew too much about the pain she had caused so many people. When the caregiver called and said she was in a lot of pain and she couldn't understand why she wasn't letting go we discussed what the secret hospice pamphlet said about closure in the end. How the dying want to say goodbye. They want to make things right and they won't go until they feel everyone is okay with it.
At the end of the conversation it dawned on me that it was the caregiver she was hanging on for. At the time the caregiver was in her early 50's and her own husband had passed suddenly of a heart attack. She was in grief when she took the job with my aunt it was her whole life. She stayed 24/7 the last few weeks and I was glad she wanted to do it. I said to her on the phone "she is waiting for you to give her permission to go" she thought that was nuts. She said "I told her she could go that I would be alright" I said "but you have got to mean it."
We hung up and I got in my car to go over there and she called. She is gone she said. She told me she went in there and said "I will be alright if you go I promise." I was shocked at the news. I had no idea she was going to do it right then.
Having dealt with the deaf of my mother at 11 it is not so scary to me. I do believe there is more than just this life at least for our spirit. I am not sure about streets of gold but some place that is easier than this life sometimes turns out to be. No one but me and the caregiver came to my aunts funeral. It seemed appropriate since we were the people that took care her in the end.
When I got the call today I could hear the sadness and relief in my friends voice. She has been grieving her mother's death for years but there will be more. It seems that grief is never quite finished with you. At least her mother will have a large family with great great grandchildren celebrating her life. She was loved and will be missed.
Monday, March 26, 2018
Leaving home - Letting go - Flow
I had a dream a few years back that I was packing up my house. It was disturbing to me because I didn't want to leave my home. But in the dream I could clearly see me packing my breakables from the tall shelves in my living room. At that time it made me really sad to think that I was not staying here. The women in my family have always felt they received messages from their dreams so I did take it to heart.
During my hypnotherapy we talked about the happiest day of my life being when I left home. I was free from the dysfunction and control of my step mother and father. With my permission she used that idea during our meditation. Saying that I was ready to leave home even to the point of having me visualize packing the things I wanted to take and walking out and closing the door behind me. I hate to say it but I really took nothing in my visualization.
Things are moving for me spiritually, physically and financially. I did close a few deals at work which gave me a moment to exhale and really work on my personal life. Today I had the Restore come and pick up a truck load of furniture and building supplies. Stuff I have been holding on to since the recession just in case I needed them. I wasn't sure where I was going and wasn't willing to let go of anything.
Sadly I did give up my Mid-Century Modern dinning table. Really nice with two leaves. This is the only piece that gave me pangs of regret. It really never fit in this house and in the right space it could have the life it deserves. I used it in my studio and was afraid it would get damaged. I also have to make space for a fancy new treadmill that I bought and it will have to go in my studio when it arrives. This is the physical change I am making I had one in there before and it broke down so I know I will use it.
I feel I have been stuck for a long time even after the depression lifted. Life felt awkward to me without a clear direction. I thought after the breakup I would meet someone new life would progress naturally and I would have direction. I guess instead life and my inner spirit decided I needed a long time to stew and find peace and to accept myself "just as I am." So I have done that and feel really free today. Like I did when I left home a million years ago.
I believe everything in life has a flow and like it or not some parts of the flow can be painful and long. It can require just sitting in the same place until acceptance happens and then miraculously stuff starts to move. Just a little at first, so don't get your hopes up, then everything starts to fall into place. I feel I am finally moving not literally from my home but I am no longer dissatisfied with life.
I have packed up my living room stuff like the dream preparing for the kitchen remodel. So that part of the dream did come true. I decided to bless my furniture before they picked it up. I prayed that it would find a home and give someone the comfort that it gave me when I used it. I know it sounds crazy I think we leave our energy where every we go so it makes sense to me that our belongings carry the same energy. That is why it is hard to let go of those family things even if they don't work.
So if you are stuck don't feel like it is forever. You are moving forward even if it is so slow you can't see or feel it. Things are happening inside your spirit is healing and you will be stronger when the healing is done. Like me you may be leaving home again. Taking charge of your own destiny instead of letting other people have power over you. It is your life and the only one we are sure we have so don't let anyone stop you.
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